3 Tricks to Turn a Friends with Benefits Relationship into the Real Deal – The French Relationship Expert
Would you like to know how friends with benefits work and what rules you have to stick to, as well as what boundaries you shouldn’t cross? Are you in the middle of a very ambiguous relationship with a friend and you’re hoping to turn it into a real, romantic relationship? Are you wondering if regular intimacy with this person with no strings attached can bring more joy into your love life than a traditional relationship?
As time goes on I come to realize that “friends with benefits” relationships, in which two people (often very close friends) that get along very well and become intimate, are becoming more and more common. As a result of my sessions with my clients, I am also realizing that this phenomenon is linked to a phobia of serious relationships and even a fear of commitment in one or both people.
Under these circumstances, it’s hard to truly know if you’re happy and if you could build something serious, stable, and fulfilling while maintaining the complicity between you. But you know what? Being in a relationship doesn’t automatically mean that you’re going to be subjected to routine, fights, and disappointments!
In this article, I am going to go over all of the most commonly asked questions and I will share my tips for going from friends with benefits into something real. It is very often a process that is undertaken by one of the two “friends,” and it’s a delicate transition. You tend to become more and more attached to this person before you’re in an official relationship, and you can end up getting deeply hurt. The reality of the situation is that a fwb relationship can also be exceedingly inconvenient, even if you are mentally prepared.
What exactly are friends with benefits?
The simple definition of fwb is two people that sleep together with no strings attached. No dating, no attachment. It’s just about sex a few times a week or a few times a month. The idea is that they refuse to engage in a relationship with this person while enjoying their carnal desires.
It can begin with two friends that develop an attraction toward one another as time goes on. You can also find it at the workplace or simply with someone you find attractive that you enjoy spending time with.
It is also possible to find a friend with benefits on the internet. There are actually websites that enable you to meet someone who wants the same thing you do: nothing more than physical intimacy… Someone, who outside of the bedroom (at the movies or in a restaurant), is nothing more than just a ”friend”.
Sometimes it’s actually a classic relationship, (though you don’t dare admit it!) but most of the time, the relationship is pretty limited once you’re out from under the covers. When you don’t want to be in a relationship but want to entertain your libido, a no strings attached relationship feels like a good compromise. It’s kind of like “vacation love!”
Why are friends with benefits so common?
As a vehement supporter of love’s values in today’s society, I won’t deny the fact that at first, I was hesitant about fwb relationships. And yet, I now have a much better understanding as to why they’ve become so popular!
I have worked with thousands of people since 2007 and EVERY SINGLE PERSON had one thing in common that sums up the reason behind my work: we have all been hurt and have a genuine FEAR of experiencing any more suffering caused by love.
Under these conditions, it seems totally normal to feel that being friends with benefits with someone will protect you from pain, and bring you happiness, attention, sex, and a little bit of love. In the end, it doesn’t sound like such a bad idea, does it?
That said, as human beings, we are programmed to have partners, and to find the greatest joy in life, and I don’t think that having an “F buddy” is going to provide ALL the joy that you deserve. It can be fun, but it will only be temporary. So I always invite you to ask yourself a question: What if you thought about true love and let go of the heartache that love has caused before?
For just a moment, forget your sentimental past and all of the pain that went along with it. If I ask you to focus solely on your deepest desires, the things that bring you the most amount of joy, and especially on the new things that you could incorporate into your life, how can you imagine your daily life-changing?
For me, going from best friends with benefits to a full-fledged relationship provides the answer to this question.
The more you work on being truly happy and fulfilled, and creating excitement in your life, the more this person is going to want to invest in being your partner.
CAREFUL! This doesn’t mean that you should become obsessed with him or her… In order for a relationship to become established, you are going to have to find a balance and give each other a healthy amount of space:
– Personal life (your passions, your health, your image…)
– Professional life
– Friend circle
– Family life
– Romantic life
I’ll expand on this in a moment.
Is it a good idea to try to go from being FWB to starting a relationship?
Of course, you can consider the positive aspects that I outlined above, (like having no obligations), but you’ve got to define a better framework because a relationship like this will almost always result in questions about the next step.
Even when you’re on the same page in the beginning, you run the risk of one of the two people involved wanting a bit more… or a bit less. What I mean by that is that either someone ends up wanting a more stable relationship, or they end up finding someone else (either for another fwb relationship or even for something more serious).
Before you begin thinking about having sex with friends, it’s important that you weigh the pros and cons. If you end up getting attached, you’re going to start to have doubts and will consequently act differently. You need to be prepared for what kind of emotions can come up!
If on the other hand, you really feel that you have a heart of stone and you just want to enjoy carnal pleasures, then having a friends with benefits relationship isn’t a terrible idea in and of itself. The main thing is that you are careful not to make the other person suffer. You don’t want to go from fwb to a form of manipulation. Things need to be very clear for both people involved or you risk winding up in a very sticky situation… So there are positive elements of having a friend with benefits!
I’m perfectly happy being a friend with benefits… But for how long?!
There is nothing better for illustrating my point than sharing the story of a woman with whom I worked a few months ago. I know that many men and women are in the same situation as she was. I remember the conversation I had on the phone when Julie, a young Parisian executive, called me. She had just entered the professional world and wanted “no emotional obligations.”
She still contacted me because she was feeling lost in terms of her emotions. Having a friend with benefits is fulfilling for a certain amount of time, but after a while, the issue of investment and feelings will inevitably arise. Human beings always want more so a fleeting relationship or a one-night stand type situation doesn’t work in the long run.
I feel that it is possible to begin a relationship without going too fast, but you have to be careful with the transition from independence to being in love.
As I explained to Julie, throughout my entire career as a coach, people contact me because one day they woke up and realized that they want more than just a fwb relationship, and they try to change everything without taking certain rules of seduction into consideration.
Anyway, as I’m sure you’ve understood, they were HITTING A BRICK WALL!
From now on, you’ve got to remain aware of this aspect and remain in control of your emotions. However fun your friends with benefits relationship might be right now, it can’t last forever. You’ll need to picture the next part of your story or at least, worst case scenario, control your emotions so that you don’t cave one day and become attached to the other person. If not, you risk hurting yourself or your friend.
Julie was completely lost because she loved her freedom, but she was becoming incredibly attached to a man. In the end, she would have liked to feel that she was in a more stable relationship. However, she was the one who set the rules in the beginning and she was worried about his reaction to her wanting to change the type of relationship that they had.
As you can see, she was being very indecisive and it could be seen in her attitude regarding her “f* buddy” (pardon my French…) With the help of my guidance, she was able to communicate to her part time lover that she was acting the way she was simply because she would like more. In the end, he needed a bit of space but after a short period of time, they ended up establishing a more serious relationship.
So here’s the proof that you CAN go from being friends with benefits to boyfriend and girlfriend.
We are FWB but I want more – What do I do?
I assume that the majority of people reading this article have this question on their minds. Going from a purely sexual connection to having full-fledged feelings is relatively simple… It’s true, you know this person better than anyone, you’ve experienced intense moments together (and I’m not just talking about bed), and fwb relationships tend to favor letting go and focusing on having fun together.
Basically, in this type of situation you’ve got all the ingredients you need to make you fall in love. Unfortunately, this often ends up being one-sided. However, armed with the tools you’re about to learn, we’re going to make sure you avoid falling into this trap.
The first rule for going from sex buddy to partner
The first thing I have to tell you is this: there is nothing worse than prematurely admitting your intentions or your feelings to the person in question! Human beings are always attracted to things that do not already belong to them and if you stop presenting a minor challenge or if you don’t maintain enough independence, well, you’re going to have a hard time making him or her want to invest in a real relationship.
This is often the part that causes a problem because you’re trying to go from being friends with benefits to having something much more solid and stable. You have such strong feelings for this person, and you think that since you’re experiencing magical moments together it would be foolish to not take it to the next level. And this is how you begin giving them your undivided attention, doting on them, and showing jealous behavior.
Unfortunately, your partner might not want to take things to the next level at this stage and when you stop presenting a challenge, the excitement will be lost! SO many people experience this, but don’t worry, it is possible to make things evolve in a way that is much more favorable to your goal. So, if you want to make the switch from being a friend with benefits to dating and building something long lasting and fulfilling, I encourage you to hide your intentions.
Don’t talk about your feelings, or the romantic future you’re hoping for, or anything that puts you in a position of weakness.
I know that when I say that you want to reply, “Ok but Alex, it’s important to be sincere and act like myself!” This is the philosophy that I defend on a daily basis but you need to adapt to the specific situation. The next two paragraphs are going to explain how to act based on your situation.
For the time being, while you apply my advice, set your feelings and loving thoughts aside, and you’ll see results!
Turning friends with benefits into something more requires taking advantage of the present moment
Both at the heart of all “success stories” and falling in line with my philosophy is focusing on the present moment. The more you’re able to share intense moments, enjoyable dates, intimacy, loosening your grip, and enjoying life to the fullest together, the more you’re going to move towards building a solid and long lasting relationship.
What better answer for how to go from friends with benefits to a relationship? Why wouldn’t he or she want to invest a bit more if you’re having an amazing time together? There are no longer any fears of commitment or disappointments related to their past…
So each time you see your sex buddy or each time you speak, make sure it’s for the best, that you take the opportunity to be innovative, and to create the greatest complicity possible! As soon as you create an attachment that is more than just physical, you’ll be on the right path!
By doing so, you will ensure that you naturally become closer, and little by little you’ll be able to develop a place in their life and give rise to something special: attachment! You see, we’re taking it step by step and we’re only focusing on positive emotions.
In order to improve the present moment, you have to focus on your wants and desires, and on the positive things that you’d like to incorporate in your life. I am certain that you’ve got some good, original ideas so don’t hesitate to let your hair down and live life to the fullest together!
The more enjoyable the present moment is, the more your friend will want to spend quality time with you. As I’m sure you can see, we aren’t talking about establishing a relationship, we aren’t talking about establishing a couple… We solely want to focus on the notion of happiness and wellbeing so that you can continually bring something positive to your situation.
You can of course come up with fun propositions but it’s also important that you put a small amount of distance between you. You want him or her to think about you more often than usual… because as soon as you begin missing someone, you realize that they’re different from the rest.
Put a tiny bit of space between you and use one of the principles of love!
Have you read my articles on the Chase Method? Are you familiar with what that means? If not, I urge you to read up on it immediately!
You must know that this could perfectly apply to your situation. If you want to engage in a serious relationship and no longer be someone needy or someone that bends over backward too often for others, you’ve got to follow these rules.
In order to get out of a fwb situation and build something real, I encourage you to stop taking the initiative to begin conversations or pick conversations back up with him or her. Stop making the first move, but don’t change anything else. Keep your energy, your positivity, and build complicity between you, but allow the other person to make the first move when it comes to reaching out.
Why? Simply because we can consider the brain as a creature of habit. The more present you are in their mind, the more you will be considered as something essential in their life.
So in order to properly begin this phase of “mini distance,” I am simply asking you to not be the first one to text or call and to be a bit less involved than usual.
Just make sure that you respect the rule I shared in the previous paragraph: It must all be for the better. Or in simple terms, no drama!
The last thing I wanted to bring your attention to is the importance of the way you look at your target because it can reveal your emotions in a heartbeat. If you don’t keep these little details in mind, you might think that you’ve adopted the perfect behavior when in reality your partner will feel that they’ve already got you under their thumb. I know that that’s hard to hear and that you would have preferred a simpler and more natural method, but it’s the only way to get real results when you’re hoping to go from being friends with benefits to being in a real relationship.
Make sure that you also maintain balance in both of your lives. Keep spending time with friends, continue pursuing your passions, and maintain professional ambition. The more balance you maintain, the more your target will be attracted to you. Your charisma and your lifestyle will help you to reach your goal and to become a “must-have” in the eyes of the person you’ve developed such strong feelings for.
Always remember: Human beings are attracted to things that are challenging to acquire!
The biggest mistakes to avoid
In order to help you succeed in your quest to establish a serious relationship that’s going to last, I also want to bring your attention to the errors that you must avoid making at all costs!
Very often, I find myself in a coaching session (if you’d like to know more about my services, right this way) with people that tended to follow their urges and often ended up in sticky situations as a result.
At the root of this story is the desire to have a temporary connection, and this should be kept in mind. Consequently, you have to adopt certain behaviors and avoid others.
Jealousy with a friend with benefits is not a good idea!
Each time a coachee tried to use jealousy, either in person or on social media, it always failed… You can try all the strategies in the world but nothing beats having true awareness and asking yourself, “How can I showcase what I bring to the table?”
As a general rule, trying to make your friend jealous often winds up with them getting hurt, they will start to play the same game, or they will lose their desire to spend meaningful moments with you… which you really don’t want because that’s the basis of creating a solid relationship!
Forget about jealousy when you’re coming up with techniques that could help you make your friend fall for you…
What about clinging to them and showing them you can’t live without them?
This kind of goes along with what I was explaining about expressing your feelings. I have NEVER seen someone be able to go from being friends with benefits to real partners by acting needy, showing emotional dependency, or shouting their love from the rooftops.
On the contrary, it’s actually the image that they have of you that’s going to take a hit. You will no longer be the man or woman that is capable of exciting them and providing positive emotions.
So desperately latching on to them and obsessing over them is never a good idea. Rebalance both of your lives right away, and do everything in your power to create a positive and enjoyable daily life. Your happiness does not depend on this person… Remember the very first moments – you didn’t necessarily have the intention of taking things further. It’s time to get back to the basics and let it be natural.
Presenting an ultimatum or putting pressure on a friends with benefits situation: The worst thing you can do!
This can also fall in line with my previous point, but the difference is that you might be at your wit’s end with the situation. You want more and you think that presenting an ultimatum or putting pressure on your friend with benefits is going to get you what you want.
Under these circumstances, the best solution is to pull away from him or her because that is what will show your target what they stand to lose, and it permits you to catch them off guard.
I understand that you want to talk about the situation, but I feel that you would have a greater chance of reaching your goal if you give them less of your attention while getting back in control of the situation. Don’t worry, it’s only meant to be temporary.
Ok I’ll grant you that it’s a little bit unhealthy, so it’s really to be used as a last resort. But truth be told, ignoring him or her is also a good “tool” for rebuilding yourself if things got out of hand.
I hope that I have answered all of your questions about being friends with benefits! In my opinion, it’s not as bad as some people might think it is, because it reveals an issue that this society has in regards to love, but I am not convinced that it is something that can provide long-term happiness.
This is why I invite you to think about the next phase or at least to focus on your personal and professional life so that you can attain the true happiness that you deserve!
I wish you all the best and that you find true happiness! Whether it’s in a fwb relationship or in a serious relationship, the most important thing is your happiness!