He hurt me, how do I bounce back?

Getting your heart broken is one of the worst feelings in the world. When the person you love does something that makes you feel betrayed, this feeling is multiplied tenfold. Whether you are hurt as a result of a breakup or because of your significant other’s recent actions, you are now thinking, “He hurt me… what can I do in order to feel better?” It is often very hard to understand what leads someone to make the choices they made that hurt you. Sometimes people do things that you wouldn’t do, and sometimes it just hurts so much that you don’t know how you’re going to bounce back… 

I’ve written this article for you today so that I can share some useful tools and techniques for bouncing back and feeling better in no time. There are certain things that you can start doing today and you’ll see that you’ll start moving past this painful period sooner than you thought was possible!

He hurt me: Why does it hurt so much?

When someone lies to you, hurts you, or seriously disappoints you, you end up feeling betrayed. You thought you knew this person, so his actions have shocked you. It hurts because it feels like he did not take your feelings into consideration… When someone you love ends the relationship with you, the pain you feel can be all-encompassing. You always knew that it would hurt, but why does it hurt so much? Why does it feel like you’ll never be able to move past this? The pain of a breakup is often compared to the feeling that accompanies loss of a loved one. You are in essence mourning the death of something that you cared deeply about. You mourn the loss of the future you had envisioned, the life you were sharing with your boyfriend, and your precious memories.

A reassuring thought is that a breakup, unlike actual death, is reversible. I have been a coach specialized in getting people back together for ten years, so if you’d one on one coaching, all you have to do is click here. Regardless of whether or not you want to attempt getting back together with your ex, you are going to have to find the means to move past the breakup so that you can start fresh. When someone you love hurt you, it is important not to underestimate the importance of accepting the breakup. Many people think that accepting it is way too final and that they’re letting go of the possibility of being with the person they love again in the future. The truth is that though it’s an inevitably painful process, accepting what happened is actually the key to finding happiness again in the future, with or without this person! I want to take a moment to go over situation I often see in my coaching sessions.

Quite frequently, I see relationships in which things are going downhill and neither person is happy. There might even be a fair amount of relationship drama or tension between the two partners and yet… When one of the two people decides to put an end to the relationship, it feels like the walls are crumbling down around the two of them and the sense of loss is crippling. But why? If the relationship wasn’t going well then why does it hurt so much to lose it? It has to do with a person’s hopes for the future, but there is another element at play here: something called a “Fantasy Bond,” which is a term coined by the psychologist Robert Firestone. It refers to a false sense of security and an “imagined connection” to another person. Simply put, sometimes people will live in a fantasy or are in love with the idea of a person or a relationship, but not with the real situation. When the breakup happens, they mourn the loss of the idea they were preserving in their mind. Perhaps this does not resonate with you, but I am going to make an effort to outline all of the possible things that might be going on here so that you can be fully aware of your situation and what tools you need to use in order to get over a breakup.

My boyfriend keeps hurting me emotionally…

Though this article deals primarily with the pain of a break up, I wanted to dedicate a section to relationships in which a partner continually makes you feel hurt. I recently wrote an article about dramatic relationships, but to paraphrase, some people thrive off of drama, and some people find it very hard to put themselves in other peoples’ shoes. A person who thrives off of drama will create conflict where there should not be any. This often happens because they grew up in an environment that made this type of behavior seem normal. They learned this behavior from their parents or their social circle, so they are re-creating an environment that feels familiar.

The other possibility, which is also much more common, is simply that your boyfriend or husband lacks certain communication skills as well as empathy. This is a very common phenomenon and many people focus on making sure they are heard instead of how they are presenting their point. The result is often that the person on the receiving end is unnecessarily hurt. Not all people who hurt you do it on purpose. If you recognize that your significant other it Is in fact hurting you on purpose, it is time to start thinking about bowing out from this relationship. If you aren’t sure, don’t hesitate to leave your question in the comment section below, or get in touch with me for a coaching session. Regardless of whether or not you’re still in a relationship with the person that is making you feel this way today, keep reading because I’m about to share tools that will help you to get back in control of the situation and your emotions.

When someone you love hurts you: The 2 most important tools…

If he hurts you, there are two things that need to happen right away. First, communication needs to be established on the subject. If his behavior is recurrent, it’s important to discuss where it’s coming from and what solutions you two can propose. Oftentimes, a person will exhibit aggressive or confrontational behavior as a result of something that is not a “big deal” because there’s actually an underlying issue. For example, sometimes a person will get mad at their partner for not wanting to do the dishes… the real source of their frustration is not the plates and mug sitting in the sink. On a deeper level, they feel like their partner should be sharing the responsibility of taking care of their home. Now, you might be reading this article because the person you love broke your heart and your trust.

People often ask me how to stop loving someone who hurt you. Perhaps there have been lies or cheating that have recently come to light and you want to know how to move on from someone who hurt you. The absolute best thing that you can do right now is to put all of your focus on making your life as great as you’ve always wanted it to be. I know that you probably don’t feel like you have a lot of energy right now for that type of thing, especially because you might just want to stay in bed all day and watch sitcoms over a bowl of ice cream… But if you make a conscious effort to take care of yourself right now, you will see that things are going to quickly change. When you’re thinking, “He hurt me so bad and I don’t know how to get over him,” the hardest part of all of this is getting started. Once you do start, you’ll be happy you did it and you’ll want to do more.

Taking care of yourself right now is important for a variety of reasons. I encourage you to get to the gym, or if you haven’t already tried it, begin taking yoga classes. Yoga is an excellent tool for reinforcing the body and the mind, feeling grounded and centered, and clearing away negative thoughts and lethargy. Getting some cardio at the gym will also get those endorphins flowing, which will boost your mood and energy levels! When you start feeling better in your body, you’ll start feeling better in your mind and you’ll begin a new (more positive) cycle. The better you feel, the more you’ll want to do! Reminding yourself that you’re in control is going to do wonders for helping you in move on from someone who hurt you. This is true regardless of whether not you can imagine forgiving him in the future. I also want you to start working towards your personal and professional goals.

Feeling proud of yourself is key here, and you’re holding all the power to do just that. Have you been wanting to get that promotion at work? Start thinking of new ideas and initiatives that can get your boss to start noticing what a valuable asset you are. Have you been meaning to remodel or try a new wall color in the living room? Throw on some music that makes you feel great and get started. What about that trip you’ve been wanting to go on ever since you were little? Well, you know what I’m going to say. Start planning!

He hurt me and I don’t know if I can trust him again…

As I’m sure you know, trust is one of the most important elements of a stable relationship. When a person does something that hurts you on a profound level, that trust can be broken. After a bit of time passes, people often realize that they want to be with their significant other but they feel like they’ve hit a roadblock. “I loved him and he hurt me, so I don’t know if I can ever trust him again…” I’m not going to sugarcoat it. Trust is hard to earn and easy to lose. The good news is that anything is possible in love as long as you are motivated. If your instinct tells you that trust can be repaired between you, you have to open that door in your relationship.

Try not to question every single thing your partner says, and try not to doubt the truth of every statement. You’re trying to cultivate a positive environment now, so even if it’s hard, it will become easier with time. That said; don’t ignore things that don’t sit well with you because you shouldn’t ignore your gut. Use this time to practice differentiating between your instincts and the desire to protect yourself from getting hurt again. Both are very important, but you have to know how to distinguish between the two. Protecting yourself can make you build up walls around yourself that make it much harder to make progress. On top of being patient, communicative, and understanding of why you are having trust issues, you and your partner will have to take a look at why they did what they did. Work together to come up with long-term solutions, and be receptive to your partner’s efforts to earn back your trust. I know this is a tough time and your mind must be swimming with questions, but please rest assured.

People bounce back from this and it’s often when you go through a major shock that your relationship comes back stronger than ever. Hang in there and keep at it! These are the things that can teach both of you how to better communicate, how to be clear and honest with one another and how to make sure that both of you feel safe in your relationship.

I wish you all the best,

Your coach when your partner hurt you,

Alex Cormont