How to break up: Expert tips for making it as painless as possible

When you’re in a relationship you sometimes have to make choices and difficult decisions. Leaving your husband or wife, boyfriend, or girlfriend when things just aren’t working anymore is one of these challenges. Even when the decision to go through with it has been made, going about it and knowing how to break up without causing too much pain isn’t that easy. This doesn’t only concern your partner; it concerns all the people in your inner circle. It, therefore, isn’t easy to make this choice and announce it to everyone. It marks a turning point and can have repercussions that go beyond you and your partner… 

Therefore, even if you don’t plan to go back, you have to properly set things up. You can’t just say, “It’s over, pack your bags and I never want to see you again.” Announcing a separation must of course be prepared, and you have to it gently and tactfully. Even if the end result is the same, you have to do everything in your power to lessen the blow as much as possible.

How to break up with someone without hurting them

When someone asks about how to break up, we have to go over the different possible situations. You must also consider your partner’s personality so that you can limit the psychological distress and emotional shock that follows the breakup.

Breaking up with someone: Do you have to be completely honest?

This is the trickiest question when it comes to how to break up with somebody because you’re going to have to give him or her a reason. Nevertheless, even if the decision has already been made and you’re already becoming detached, breaking off a relationship with someone you love is far from simple. In the shortest relationships (and sometimes in long terms ones!) there is a trick for avoiding having to break up with someone face-to-face. People break up via text message.

When the relationship is relatively new, you don’t have strong ties yet, you don’t live together, and you don’t have children, sometimes people decide to leave their partner is a less-than-elegant way because they don’t really care about their reaction. This is the solution for many people because doing it in person would be difficult to handle. Nevertheless, when you live together (married or not) you can’t just say, “I want to break up” and leave without any explanation.

Such behavior is cowardly. Whether it’s when you’re handling the divorce or you’re bringing your kids over, you’re going to have to see each other. You’ve got to handle things properly. It will therefore be necessary that you explain the reasons without looking for a fight. From the moment your decision is made, don’t add oil to the firework to appease any tension. Recommended article: You’ve got to face the person you want to leave and have an honest conversation with him or her. If you are unsure of your decision, you can leave the door open, but if you have no intention of ever being together again, don’t let yourself chicken out.

How to break up with someone: Telling your kids

A break up after years of being together often involves children, and this can have consequences for them too. Knowing how to tell your children about the divorce or break up is probably one of the most complex questions. The slightest issue can upset their lives because they aren’t prepared to deal with this kind of trauma. Therefore telling your children must be done in different stages. The first thing to do is to make sure they don’t feel any form of guilt. Explain to them that this is in no way their fault; these are adult problems that are both MOM and DAD’s faults! It is crucial that you don’t have your fights in front of them.

The goal is not to point fingers but to prepare them for the changes that the divorce or separation will cause. Their daily lives should not be turned upside down. Continue going to soccer on Sundays, and art class on Wednesday afternoon for example, because these kinds of things will help to maintain balance in your children’s lives. Along with telling your children that you’re getting divorced, you also have to think about what daily life is going to look like now. It’s important to solve your problems between you and your partner instead of screaming in the living room. I am especially talking about issues like custody…

Keep the distance to a minimum as well, if possible. For example, don’t rent out a place 200 miles away from their school or they could feel like they’re being removed from their lives. It goes without saying that you have to explain what divorce is while taking your child’s age and personality into consideration. Teenagers of course know what it means, but younger kids might have questions so you’ll have to answer them. Sincerity is a necessity in this situation, as long as it does not hurt your kids.

How to break up: Telling your family

Telling your loved ones that you want to break up with your partner is also complicated. Leaving your partner also means that you leave their family and that you have to tell your own. It’s pretty hard to keep a divorce secret. You can of course wait until the legal process is underway before you share the news. Don’t rush things because if you end up changing your mind you might lose all credibility. Recommended article: Your loved ones and your parents are able to understand your reasons for wanting to end your relationship or at least more than your children will. You also have to be honest with them.

You don’t have to round everyone up around a table and make a formal announcement, but you could just tell the people that you’re closest to. On the one hand, there is a good chance that they’ll spread the word and you won’t have to worry about doing it, and on the other hand, you can avoid some embarrassment. Leaving your husband or wife does not happen without reason, and you can explain it to your loved ones without having to do into too much detail. Nevertheless, if you feel like this is too invasive, just say that you don’t feel the same way anymore because this doesn’t have to be explained! Having a difficult relationship and setting aside your own happiness is not the solution. They will understand your decision, even if sometimes it might take a little bit of time.

How to break up with someone without suffering too much

When the love is gone you don’t want to hurt the other person, and you especially don’t want to make them suffer. Contrary to what you might think, thinking about leaving your girlfriend or boyfriend is not a source of joy… It isn’t an easy decision to make and you can end up suffering and feeling regrets as well. In order to avoid having trouble bouncing back after a breakup, make sure that you don’t isolate yourself. Ending a relationship with the person you love also means that you’re changing your daily life as well. You will no longer go out together and you will not share as much as you did in the past. So this is the time to rebuild and move forward with other people.

When we’ve experienced a difficult relationship, we have to start from scratch in order to once again find happiness. It all starts with your social circle. Go out and discover new activities and new people. Spending time with relatives during and after the divorce is crucial. When you get to the point where you’re thinking it’s over between us, don’t just think about how to break the news to your partner, but also think about what you want your life to be like now. You will inevitably feel sadness and it’s not going to go away overnight, but there are things that you can do to help it pass. In fact, you can check out this article on bouncing back from a breakup and overcoming depression!

We broke up… Now what?

When you’re wondering when to break up, keep in mind that the process of separating will take time – especially if one of you does not agree with the decision. If the situation becomes unbearable, it is sometimes best to start the process before the breakup actually happens. Why? Because these things take time – finding a new home, dealing with custody, taking care of groceries and bills… All of this is going to require some serious organizational skills! Recommended article: These are the elements that you should focus on alongside your personal reconstruction. Many people tend to neglect or remain unaware of what a breakup entails. I don’t want to frighten you… I just want you to be aware and be prepared for what you will have to face when your personal life completely changes.

When you’re working on how to break off a relationship, you have to remember that it doesn’t get wrapped up in just a month or two. There are administrative details and considerable amounts of money, so you have to be properly prepared. Leaving your husband or wife and turning the page for good is not easy, and I’m not just referring to people that share real estate! Once you know how to tell them it’s over and you do the deed, you’re going to have to focus on yourself. This is the key because your words need to be accompanied by actions. So often I see people that say, “Alex, how do I tell my partner that I don’t love them anymore,” and though they end the relationship, nothing ends up changing. They continue acting like they were still together. I often see this in couples/exes that live together. At the risk of sounding a bit extreme, when you want to leave someone, you have to be thorough, or else you’ll hurt both your partner and yourself more than you needed to. That said, separations aren’t always irrevocable!

Breaking up with somebody: Does that mean you can never be together again?

People often wonder about how to break up with someone, but when they try to do it regrets or doubts surge up. As I explain in this article about regretting the breakup, many people that I coach in getting their exes back are responsible for the decision to separate, but they still want their ex back. That said, there are certain situations in which you must not hesitate. Leaving someone with whom you are having an affair is important for saving your relationship and avoiding any further mistakes. You can of course get your ex back in many situations, but when you choose to get a divorce, the method changes dramatically. It’s a serious break and your partner might not forgive you unless you show them radical changes and a desire to start over on a new foundation, but that’s another story!

Best wishes,

The coach for knowing how to break up

Alex Cormont