How to identify a toxic man: 3 signs and 2 solutions!
One of the most common things that I deal with every single day as a love and relationship coach is helping people who are realizing that they might have a toxic boyfriend. It’s a difficult thing to accept, but if you’re on this website reading this article right now, chances are that you’re wondering if you’re in this type of situation as well. Fortunately, there are certain telltale signs that you can keep an eye out for that will help you determine whether or not this guy is toxic.
In today’s article, I want to go over these signs with you, but I will also go into how you can set boundaries to ensure that you grant yourself access to happiness in your future. Toxicity in a relationship will undermine the love and respect very fast, and it creates serious cracks in its foundation. So, without further ado, les amies, let’s take a look at how to identify a toxic man right away
How to identify a toxic man easily
The human mind is such a fascinating thing. We tend to go out of our way to make excuses for the people that we care about, especially when it comes to romantic relationships. There are two interesting things that happen here. First, we have a lovely way of tricking ourselves into accepting something that does not serve us, simply because we get caught up in what we feel the relationship could become, or in other words, its potential. We tend to ignore toxic signs because we don’t want to see them. We want to hold on to the romantic idea of what could be. The other thing that happens is that subconsciously, we know that something isn’t right, and this is why we come up with excuses.
In some of the more extreme cases that I’ve come across, a person will inadvertently confuse toxicity with passion. There are such high highs when things are going well, because there’s this feeling of intense love and need for each other, and then it’s followed by a low low. That low then needs to be resolved and when the two partners reconcile, that passionate feeling of love and need returns… Until things get boring and conflict needs to be reintroduced, so that they can reconcile, and feel the high again. You see, this becomes a destructive pattern that can make a relationship toxic. To dive deeper into what a toxic relationship is, I encourage you to read this article. For now, I want to focus on what makes a toxic person toxic.
No one is going to waltz up to you and say, “Oh hi there! I am a particularly toxic man. Wanna date?”
They’ll operate in a different way, so let’s dive into what that looks like.
3 toxic traits in a man
As you’ve understood, the first thing to keep in mind is that a toxic man will never come to you and tell you outright that he’s toxic. In fact, he probably won’t even ask himself, “Am I toxic…?” If anything, he’ll try his best to make you fall for him and make you think he’s a good guy. Sometimes deep down, he knows he’s toxic, and in other cases, he doesn’t even realize it.
I’ve been a love and relationship coach since 2007 and I have coached over 30,000 women, so I can tell you what kind of patterns I’ve picked up on with the people I’ve coached. When it comes to figuring out how to identify a toxic man, there are three main signs that you have to keep an eye out for, so let’s get started.
1. He always has something negative to say to you
Maybe he makes you feel like you’re not good enough. Perhaps he compares you to other women – maybe even to his ex. Maybe he makes you feel like your thoughts and opinions are foolish and makes you feel dumb. Ladies, when a man makes you feel small, and I won’t sugarcoat this, leave him. You truly, and I cannot stress the importance of this enough, do not have to prove ANYTHING to a man.
2. His words never match his actions
He’ll tell you he has strong feelings for you, or maybe even that he loves you, but then he never makes time to see you. Maybe he’ll even tell you that he doesn’t want to be in a relationship with you but he’s down to have casual sex with you. You really have to be careful with this kind of thing because men, and namely toxic men, will try to find excuses to not get in a relationship with you but keep you around for sex. One client I worked with recently had a guy tell her, “You know, I just got divorced recently, two years ago, and I don’t really want to be in a relationship, but let’s see where this goes OK?” The problem here is simple and it brings me to my next point…
3. A toxic guy will give you false hope
He’ll say things like, “Oh we don’t know what tomorrow holds, let’s just see what happens and maybe you’ll end up being my girlfriend one day…” By doing this, he keeps you on a string and he holds all the power. He doesn’t care about what you want, he’s just feeding you bits of hope that help him to hold on to you, while ensuring that he gets to keep his freedom to do whatever he wants. He just wants you to want him, but he doesn’t care about your wellbeing.
If you want to know how to identify a toxic man, remember that he’ll make you feel small (whether he realizes it or not!), he’ll make you feel dumb and insecure, his words will not match his actions, and he’ll give you false hopes. My friends, if you’re recognizing these traits in the guy you’re dating, I really encourage you to open your eyes. You should never fight for a man like this because YOU are the one who should be on the pedestal. He should be fighting for you. He should be showing you that he understands that you’re unique and he should cherish you because of this.
The truth is that it’s really easy to spot a toxic man. It’s when you’re unhappy. It’s when it feels like he’s in complete control and things are never going the way that you would like. It’s when you feel drained and anxious, instead of fulfilled and genuinely happy.
Setting boundaries when you see warning signs of a toxic relationship
I had another client not too long ago in Switzerland who called me saying, “Alex I just don’t get it. I’ve been seeing this man for two years, I am so into him and we only see each other once or maybe twice a month. He doesn’t have time for me but when we meet he treats me like a princess!” So I asked her what they do when they meet. She told me that they’ll see each other at his place, sometimes hers, or sometimes even in a luxurious hotel. I asked her what they do. She said, “Well we have sex when they meet.”
“Well, because that’s what he wants,” she said.
So how is he treating you like a princess?
Again, she was finding excuses for this man and this was just in her head and boundaries needed to be set. The thing is, 90% of the time, you know if this guy is toxic or not. As uncomfortable as it is to read, if you’re reading this article right now, there is a big chance that this guy IS toxic. If you are unsure, I encourage you to reach out to me for a private coaching session so that we can analyze the situation in depth and define the right solutions. Perhaps he’s toxic, but there is also the possibility that you’re struggling with codependency… We can work together on making sure that you set yourself up for the happiest relationship you’ve ever had.
Now, let’s talk about boundaries. The first thing that you can do when you’re dealing with a toxic person is to establish what you refuse to accept from here on out. Write an actual list for yourself and take the time to think about this. It’s going to help you put yourself first and make sure that he respects you and chase his behavior.
Next, do not react to his toxic actions. If he’s doing something wrong and you aren’t furious and you just ignore him, one day he’s going to realize that he’s not getting a reaction from you and is going to have to change his behavior. So, take a pen and a piece of paper and write down everything that you are no longer willing to tolerate from a man.
As this article comes to an end, I want to be very clear with you. Ladies, if you now know that you’re dating a toxic man, it’s time to turn the page. I know it’s hard because you’re thinking, “I love him,” but we only have one life. Being in a toxic relationship is going to make you perpetually feel sad, stressed, depleted, and you’re going to lose control of your emotions. On top of that, imagine spending every day of your life stressing over whether or not this guy is respecting the list you’ve created of what you will and will not tolerate in a relationship. You’re just going to be stressed out and hyper aware of needing to be in control.
I want to be here for you, and it IS possible to set boundaries in a relationship, but the most important thing is always that you be respected. You can be with someone who loves you, cherishes you, and respects you. Sometimes it’s just a question of realizing that it’s not worth it to pour all your love and energy into a relationship with a toxic man and today, by becoming more social, by regaining your self confidence, and if it takes time, you will see longterm results.
Being with someone toxic is only going to give you negative emotions, and I want you to experience the best in love.
Ladies, I wish you all the best.
Your French relationship coach,