Why men pull away?

by | October 6th 2018 | Understanding men | 14 comments

In today’s dating culture, we often see that things between two people start out very well and then suddenly the connection begins to evaporate into thin air. You might be dating someone right now and are noticing that he is beginning to pull away. Does this mean the relationship is doomed or is there something that you can do about it? Understanding why men pull away can give you the tools for knowing how to react, what to do, and how to reel him back in!

If that is what you were hoping to learn, you are in the right place! I'm going to explain what goes on in a man's mind when he begins to pull away in a budding relationship. Then I will discuss what you need to do in order to attract him back, and how you can ensure that he doesn't lose interest!

Why men pull away when things seemed to be going so well?

Let’s dive right in. I know it's going to come as no surprise to you, but the number one reason behind men pulling away is fear. Okay, but fear of what?

You were having so much fun together! You have so much in common and every date was full of laughter, flirtation, and those butterflies in your stomach. Just when you felt that you could really see this going somewhere, he began to pull away. Suddenly he’s much harder to reach, he takes more time in responding to you, and he’s not as available for dates as he was in the future. He's not going out of his way to call you up anymore, and when you do speak on the phone he seems distant if not a bit cold.

Wait, what happened? Was it something you said?

Men pull away for a variety of reasons, so I'm going to list of the most common ones for you. Sometimes it's based on experiences in the past, sometimes it's linked to issues of independence, and sometimes it's closely related to an insecurity.

Let's take a closer look.

What to do when he can not explain why he is pulling away!

When a woman has been dating a guy for a while and begins to lose interest, she can usually narrow it down more or less what exactly was bothering her. Men pull awayFor example, maybe he was too emotionally immature, maybe they didn't share the same values, maybe she didn't feel attracted to him, maybe this personality was too over-the-top… Men's minds work a little bit differently. I cannot generalize of course, but oftentimes men have trouble pinpointing something that might be turning them off. What's more, it might actually have nothing to do with the girl and he can’t put his finger on what it is.

I say this because many men pull away because the idea of a serious relationship freaks them out. This can be because of past heartbreak, insecurity stemming from their childhood (sometimes they've been taught or convinced that they're not good enough and have since struggled with allowing themselves to be vulnerable), and sometimes it’s simply because they realize that they prefer to remain single and free.

He is scared to be in love?

I should also mention that I often see men pulling away the moment they realize that they're developing real feelings for you. This can also happen at the moment you develop real feelings for him! This happens because suddenly there are stakes. A person begins to worry about the outcome and this affects their behavior. They become nervous. Nervousness leads to vulnerability, and a lot of people just don't know how to handle it.

This is also when people begin to fantasize about a future together. You can begin to come up with scenarios in your mind and feel anxious at the thought of losing him. The result is that you're no longer in the present moment and you're no longer getting to know him. Instead you're fixating on how he feels about you and this will affect your behavior.

Generally speaking, people do not act positively when they see the shift from a fun and charming personality to someone who is always searching for reassurance.

When you recognize someone that you really like - someone that makes you feel good, it's not uncommon to want to latch on. This often happens without you even realizing it, but it changes your vibe. Trust me, guys can pick up on this. He might not be able to pinpoint what it is exactly, but he might begin to feel that you are clingy.

When a guy feels that you are trying to make this official, he might panic and pull away. So how to stop him from pulling away any further, you ask?

What to do when men pull away!

Women often reach out to me when they start dating someone or when they meet a person of interest, because they want him to invest and are afraid of things not going any further. They start to panic and ask, “Is he pulling away?” This also happens to be the moment in which they begin making mistakes. When you’re in the seduction phase with someone, the most important thing is going to be hold on to your self confidence.

Confidence is key and here is why:

1. When it comes to seducing a person with whom you’d like to construct a solid relationship, you’ve got to highlight your true personality. So many people make the mistake of playing a role in order to make someone fall for them, and it all backfires because the guy realizes that things weren’t genuine.

2. Being truly confident keeps you safe from being needy or clingy, which are characteristics that can make a person run for the hills (especially if it’s so early on in the budding relationship)!

Your thoughts will come true!

Here is where people can get into trouble when they’re asking "Will he ever contact me again?” We know that cutting off contact can be useful if we want to give someone an electroshock, but we tend to forget that it can make matters worse in certain situations. So, if you’ve just started dating someone or talking to someone, 100% Radio Silence is NOT appropriate to your situation!

Why men pull awayThis is simply because neither of you have invested enough to be able to fear losing something yet. I know that is blunt, but it just means that you have to focus on a different plan of action, and you guessed it, it has to do with self confidence.

So, instead of disappearing and cutting off contact with the guy that’s caught your eye, you’ve got to switch your focus to creating the personal life of your dreams. Make headway on your professional projects and goals, go to the gym and get those endorphins flowing, spend time having fun with your friends, try new things, and don’t be afraid to post pictures or statuses about all the fantastic things going on in your life on social media. Don’t reach out to him all the time, and give him the opportunity to wonder what you’ve been up to.

We are now in a day and age where social media can be used as an incredible tool for presenting yourself in a positive light. You just need to make sure that it’s authentic.

People that are living life to the fullest and are happy with themselves leave a lasting impression, and that’s exactly what you want to do with your new love interest!

You need to be a CHALLENGE!

Instead of asking yourself “Should I use no contact to get him back in my arms,” think about how you can show him an image of you and your life that would make it impossible for him to resist. You don’t have to cut ties and disappear, but you can reach out less and make him wonder where you’ve gone. Don’t ignore his messages, but let him make the first move more often. By the way, this isn’t something that you should give up on once you’ve gotten into a relationship with him. The way to keep him hooked on you is actually to maintain a fantastic personal life!

Last but not least, here is the type of text message that can make a huge difference in the situation.

Men who pull away aren’t used to being called out on this type of behavior. In fact no one is. That's why we see so much ghosting happening in society today. So while you’re working on building your self esteem and living your best life, here is something that you can text a guy who is pulling away.

“Hey, it feels like you’re a bit unsure of what you want right now. It's totally fine, but I'm going to take some distance.”

You don't have to use these words verbatim, just to avoid saying things like, “So let me know when you're free because I'd love to see you again.” Ending your message like this would put all the power back in his hands. You want to assert yourself and remind yourself that you can be in control of the situation. You're not trying to played detective and figure out what's going on, you're just stating the obvious. Be careful with your wording. Sometimes people phrase things anyway the power to the other person!

This type of text message reminds him that you don’t need him, and that you aren’t going to wait around. By the way, men find the opposite of clingy behavior to be extremely attractive.

What NOT to do when he pulls away

I get it. When you keep racking your brain with questions like “Why did he stop texting me,” it’s easy to want to reach out to the person you’re interested in even more... But believe you me - That will only do more harm than good at this stage!

The mistake you should AVOID right now !

The more he is pulling away, the closer you will want to get. You’re currently feeling a Push and Pull phenomenon. Even if your last twenty text messages and twenty phone calls were in vain you want to keep trying until you get a response.

Thinking, “This guy that I really like doesn’t want to talk to me anymore” is incredibly frustrating because you had spent so much time together, you had shared so much, and now it’s not even a breakup; it’s utter and complete solitude. But STILL! You have to be able to control yourself right now. Whatever you do, do not blow up this person’s phone! You’ll have to give him space and avoid initiating conversations for a while.

If you want the chance to get the ball rolling on this again you’re going to have to avoid making certain mistakes. First of all, harassing him won’t do any good. You know, sometimes it isn’t even the communication that you want; it’s just the response. The thing is, nobody wants to talk to someone that makes them feel suffocated. Sometimes you really just have to let some time pass before you start trying to reach out to your “target” again.

Should I ask help from my friends?

Similarly, please don’t send your friends to spy on him or worse still, try to get information out of him.

Avoid putting him on a pedestal. It’s normal that when you miss someone you tend to forget about their flaws, but don’t place him higher than yourself. Remember, focus on yourself right now.

Don’t ask his friends about him. Word travels, you know…

Though I’m sure you know this, I wanted to take this last little section to mention how important it is to not let the emotions you’re feeling make you act in a disrespectful manner towards the person you have your eye on. The fact that he isn’t picking up should never make you insult or threaten him. Oftentimes you become overwhelmed with the desire to tell them everything that’s on your mind because you’re tired of trying so hard without getting any results, and then you get so overwhelmed that it’s hard to control how all of it comes out. Trust me, you don’t want to wind up in this type of situation.

Don’t make this irreparable mistake because it’ll give him a real reason to never contact you again! So despite your frustration, it’s essential to keep your cool and to not blow up at him. And when you do speak, you’ll need constructive dialogue. As I said above, I am here to help guide you every single step of the way so never hesitate to reach out!

I know that this period requires a lot of patience from you, but you’ll be just fine. Fill up your schedule and keep yourself busy. It will help you to keep things in perspective.

Wishing you all the best,

Your coach when he’s pulling away

Alex Cormont

14 Comments

  1. Candi

    I’ve been w my bf 1 1/2 yr and he was fresh out of a bad marriage. He is a great man but very busy. I am in love w him. He has been very distant compared to where we were a few months ago. We talk daily like it’s routine not because we want to. He is pulling away a lot. Not sure if he wants a friendship or relationship. I think he’s scared to let me in but doesn’t want to let me go either. What should I do?

    Reply
    • Alex Cormont

      Hi Candi,
      Why haven’t you tried having this conversation with him? I think the best thing to do is to back off for a couple days to regroup your thoughts and then see why he has been pulling away. Men typically pull away because of the reasons mentioned in this article but also if you have the opportunity to talk to him then you have to put yourself first in these moments. My suggestion would be to speak with him about this.
      Best,
      Alex

  2. Stephanie

    Hey there. So I met an amazing man who had recently gotten divorced and who’s been hurt pretty bad. I felt that we had an incredible connection and I could feel that he felt the same. I think he may have gotten scared of where things were heading with us. I brought up feelings to know where we stood with each other and since then he’s pulled away. I haven’t talked to him in over a week now and I don’t know how to handle it. My heart is hurting so bad. I know there’s something special between us and that he just needs time and space but should I reach out and let him know I’m here for him or just leave him alone all together??

    Reply
    • Alex Cormont

      Hi Stephanie,
      Yes, I would suggest for you to leave him alone right now. It’s important to understand if you were giving this man relationship benefits early on and not talk about where this was headed in the beginning could have scared him away. A lot of people start dating without intentions and then when one catches feelings the other may not want that relationship. This has a lot to do with why men pull away. Right now just pull away as well and if he comes back change your dynamics with him a bit. If not, take this as something to learn from. Wishing you the best!
      Best,
      Alex

  3. Erika

    Hi Alex,
    Thank you for your knowledge and also your YouTube videos are great. I was dating a man for two months and things were great! We never had a relationship talk because I didn’t want to scare him. I asked him to come to a show with me last week and I haven’t heard from him in a week. He just pulled away and ghosted me. Why men pull away is something I just don’t understand. How do I get him back? My heart hurts.

    Reply
    • Alex Cormont

      Erika, you are facing a difficult situation and I am sorry for you. Men will pull away when they are not ready for a relationship or because the attraction is over. You can book a private coaching session to work with me. I need more detail but I can tell you that you were scared and you need more confident to be able to discuss what you want without to scared him…

  4. Sylvia Davis

    Here’s my philosophy, when a man walks away and is pulling back, you WALK away. Leave him alone. Who has time for this nonsense dealing with grown men that can’t just be men? Not me. No thanks.

    Reply
    • Alex Cormont

      Thank you Sylvia for your comment. I do agree with you but sometimes there is a lot of love and it’s important to be careful about every decision. thanks for sharing your vision 🙂

  5. Gladys

    I’ve been seeing a guy for about six months. He was very insistent on presuming me. He drop hints saying he felt there was more than like between us. He broke it off a few months back and I left him alone. He came back groveling saying he missed me and how the intimacy we shared was the most emotions he had ever felt. I ignored him and he contacted again saying he was scared. I said of what? And he said of you not loving me back. I met with him after that and he profusely apologized and said he was scared of falling in love with with me but it was too late. Made no sense. I got back with him and he continued on but was a little less persistent although contacting all the time. The last time I saw him was before Christmas and he brought me a thoughtful gift. He didn’t contact again until Christmas Day saying merry Christmas. Then no contact until New Years when i wrote him happy new year. Now nothing, I’m staying away but what gives…

    Reply
    • Alex Cormont

      Hello Gladys, I think this guy is playing with you. It’s not that he is pulling away but more that he is not trustful. If you want to know more about men, you need to look if their words are matching their actions. He is giving you a lot and then nothing. You have to be careful with this type of behavior. Best. Alex

  6. Palak

    Hello
    I’ve met this charming guy who we both were communicating he was chasing me and suggesting all dates and got me gift I felt he is emotionaly attracted way more than me, but he have a bit ego cause I told him once why he didn’t send me Vedio of his newyyear celebration he said why i didn’t send him, any way after we kissed for the first time where i was always resisting after that day he we both became distance I was a bit more cause he called me to break the ice I was a bit cold cause he didn’t speak for 4 days on the conversation 2 days after I sent him breakfast? Suggesting to meet he said he is by the beach so I went silent for another week we both interacting very vey rare carefully both are insecure and have too much ego, week after he texted me how are I replied so sweet still he didn’t ask to see me and didn’t any single move.. I feel stuck it’s been 20 days like that

    Reply
    • Alex Cormont

      Hello Palak, thank you for your comment. My question is: why don’t you try to communicate without fears? I feel like you can have regret to not be yourself. Maybe it’s time to just forget that he pulled away and talk to him more to create chemistry?

  7. Sarah

    I’ve been casually seeing a guy we both made it clear no future plans but over the course we’ve been seeing each other he tends to go through cycle of interested then pulls away I’ve always just let him have his head sometime it can last months. Anyway this time I had enough feels like mind games I ended up removing him and deleting his number. I feels like it backfired on me like I have to apologise and tell him I’m still there waiting but realise that makes me sound pathetic. Is it worth waiting around now for him claw his way back and get back in contact or safe to say I’ve burnt my bridges with him?

    Reply
    • Alex Cormont

      Sarah, we need to have a coaching session. It’s very important to talk about your situation and to give you some solutions!

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"What if the true definition of love was not what you thought it was?" It’s time to make your own.

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