Why men pull away?
In today’s dating culture, we often see that things between two people start out very well and then suddenly the connection begins to evaporate into thin air. You might be dating someone right now and are noticing that he is beginning to pull away. Does this mean the relationship is doomed or is there something that you can do about it? Understanding why men pull away can give you the tools for knowing how to react, what to do, and how to reel him back in!
If that is what you were hoping to learn, you are in the right place! I'm going to explain what goes on in a man's mind when he begins to pull away in a budding relationship. Then I will discuss what you need to do in order to attract him back, and how you can ensure that he doesn't lose interest!
Why men pull away when things seemed to be going so well?
Let’s dive right in. I know it's going to come as no surprise to you, but the number one reason behind men pulling away is fear. Okay, but fear of what?
You were having so much fun together! You have so much in common and every date was full of laughter, flirtation, and those butterflies in your stomach. Just when you felt that you could really see this going somewhere, he began to pull away. Suddenly he’s much harder to reach, he takes more time in responding to you, and he’s not as available for dates as he was in the future. He's not going out of his way to call you up anymore, and when you do speak on the phone he seems distant if not a bit cold.
Wait, what happened? Was it something you said?
Men pull away for a variety of reasons, so I'm going to list of the most common ones for you. Sometimes it's based on experiences in the past, sometimes it's linked to issues of independence, and sometimes it's closely related to an insecurity.
Let's take a closer look.
What to do when he can not explain why he is pulling away!
When a woman has been dating a guy for a while and begins to lose interest, she can usually narrow it down more or less what exactly was bothering her. For example, maybe he was too emotionally immature, maybe they didn't share the same values, maybe she didn't feel attracted to him, maybe this personality was too over-the-top… Men's minds work a little bit differently. I cannot generalize of course, but oftentimes men have trouble pinpointing something that might be turning them off. What's more, it might actually have nothing to do with the girl and he can’t put his finger on what it is.
I say this because many men pull away because the idea of a serious relationship freaks them out. This can be because of past heartbreak, insecurity stemming from their childhood (sometimes they've been taught or convinced that they're not good enough and have since struggled with allowing themselves to be vulnerable), and sometimes it’s simply because they realize that they prefer to remain single and free.
He is scared to be in love?
I should also mention that I often see men pulling away the moment they realize that they're developing real feelings for you. This can also happen at the moment you develop real feelings for him! This happens because suddenly there are stakes. A person begins to worry about the outcome and this affects their behavior. They become nervous. Nervousness leads to vulnerability, and a lot of people just don't know how to handle it.
This is also when people begin to fantasize about a future together. You can begin to come up with scenarios in your mind and feel anxious at the thought of losing him. The result is that you're no longer in the present moment and you're no longer getting to know him. Instead you're fixating on how he feels about you and this will affect your behavior.
Generally speaking, people do not act positively when they see the shift from a fun and charming personality to someone who is always searching for reassurance.
When you recognize someone that you really like - someone that makes you feel good, it's not uncommon to want to latch on. This often happens without you even realizing it, but it changes your vibe. Trust me, guys can pick up on this. He might not be able to pinpoint what it is exactly, but he might begin to feel that you are clingy.
When a guy feels that you are trying to make this official, he might panic and pull away. So how to stop him from pulling away any further, you ask?
What to do when men pull away!
Women often reach out to me when they start dating someone or when they meet a person of interest, because they want him to invest and are afraid of things not going any further. They start to panic and ask, “Is he pulling away?” This also happens to be the moment in which they begin making mistakes. When you’re in the seduction phase with someone, the most important thing is going to be hold on to your self confidence.
Confidence is key and here is why:
1. When it comes to seducing a person with whom you’d like to construct a solid relationship, you’ve got to highlight your true personality. So many people make the mistake of playing a role in order to make someone fall for them, and it all backfires because the guy realizes that things weren’t genuine.
2. Being truly confident keeps you safe from being needy or clingy, which are characteristics that can make a person run for the hills (especially if it’s so early on in the budding relationship)!
Your thoughts will come true!
Here is where people can get into trouble when they’re asking "Will he ever contact me again?” We know that cutting off contact can be useful if we want to give someone an electroshock, but we tend to forget that it can make matters worse in certain situations. So, if you’ve just started dating someone or talking to someone, 100% Radio Silence is NOT appropriate to your situation!
This is simply because neither of you have invested enough to be able to fear losing something yet. I know that is blunt, but it just means that you have to focus on a different plan of action, and you guessed it, it has to do with self confidence.
So, instead of disappearing and cutting off contact with the guy that’s caught your eye, you’ve got to switch your focus to creating the personal life of your dreams. Make headway on your professional projects and goals, go to the gym and get those endorphins flowing, spend time having fun with your friends, try new things, and don’t be afraid to post pictures or statuses about all the fantastic things going on in your life on social media. Don’t reach out to him all the time, and give him the opportunity to wonder what you’ve been up to.
We are now in a day and age where social media can be used as an incredible tool for presenting yourself in a positive light. You just need to make sure that it’s authentic.
People that are living life to the fullest and are happy with themselves leave a lasting impression, and that’s exactly what you want to do with your new love interest!
You need to be a CHALLENGE!
Instead of asking yourself “Should I use no contact to get him back in my arms,” think about how you can show him an image of you and your life that would make it impossible for him to resist. You don’t have to cut ties and disappear, but you can reach out less and make him wonder where you’ve gone. Don’t ignore his messages, but let him make the first move more often. By the way, this isn’t something that you should give up on once you’ve gotten into a relationship with him. The way to keep him hooked on you is actually to maintain a fantastic personal life!
Last but not least, here is the type of text message that can make a huge difference in the situation.
Men who pull away aren’t used to being called out on this type of behavior. In fact no one is. That's why we see so much ghosting happening in society today. So while you’re working on building your self esteem and living your best life, here is something that you can text a guy who is pulling away.
“Hey, it feels like you’re a bit unsure of what you want right now. It's totally fine, but I'm going to take some distance.”
You don't have to use these words verbatim, just to avoid saying things like, “So let me know when you're free because I'd love to see you again.” Ending your message like this would put all the power back in his hands. You want to assert yourself and remind yourself that you can be in control of the situation. You're not trying to played detective and figure out what's going on, you're just stating the obvious. Be careful with your wording. Sometimes people phrase things anyway the power to the other person!
This type of text message reminds him that you don’t need him, and that you aren’t going to wait around. By the way, men find the opposite of clingy behavior to be extremely attractive.
What NOT to do when he pulls away
I get it. When you keep racking your brain with questions like “Why did he stop texting me,” it’s easy to want to reach out to the person you’re interested in even more... But believe you me - That will only do more harm than good at this stage!
The mistake you should AVOID right now !
The more he is pulling away, the closer you will want to get. You’re currently feeling a Push and Pull phenomenon. Even if your last twenty text messages and twenty phone calls were in vain you want to keep trying until you get a response.
Thinking, “This guy that I really like doesn’t want to talk to me anymore” is incredibly frustrating because you had spent so much time together, you had shared so much, and now it’s not even a breakup; it’s utter and complete solitude. But STILL! You have to be able to control yourself right now. Whatever you do, do not blow up this person’s phone! You’ll have to give him space and avoid initiating conversations for a while.
If you want the chance to get the ball rolling on this again you’re going to have to avoid making certain mistakes. First of all, harassing him won’t do any good. You know, sometimes it isn’t even the communication that you want; it’s just the response. The thing is, nobody wants to talk to someone that makes them feel suffocated. Sometimes you really just have to let some time pass before you start trying to reach out to your “target” again.
Should I ask help from my friends?
Similarly, please don’t send your friends to spy on him or worse still, try to get information out of him.
Avoid putting him on a pedestal. It’s normal that when you miss someone you tend to forget about their flaws, but don’t place him higher than yourself. Remember, focus on yourself right now.
Don’t ask his friends about him. Word travels, you know…
Though I’m sure you know this, I wanted to take this last little section to mention how important it is to not let the emotions you’re feeling make you act in a disrespectful manner towards the person you have your eye on. The fact that he isn’t picking up should never make you insult or threaten him. Oftentimes you become overwhelmed with the desire to tell them everything that’s on your mind because you’re tired of trying so hard without getting any results, and then you get so overwhelmed that it’s hard to control how all of it comes out. Trust me, you don’t want to wind up in this type of situation.
Don’t make this irreparable mistake because it’ll give him a real reason to never contact you again! So despite your frustration, it’s essential to keep your cool and to not blow up at him. And when you do speak, you’ll need constructive dialogue. As I said above, I am here to help guide you every single step of the way so never hesitate to reach out!
I know that this period requires a lot of patience from you, but you’ll be just fine. Fill up your schedule and keep yourself busy. It will help you to keep things in perspective.
Wishing you all the best,
Your coach when he’s pulling away