Adultery: How to prevent it + 10 steps for overcoming it!
Adultery is one of the most serious betrayals a person in a relationship can experience. It can cause serious damage to the trust that once seemed unbreakable between two people, and it can cause you to question all aspects of the relationship. The victim’s ego takes a substantial blow, and he or she begins to doubt the authenticity of their partner’s feelings for them. The person who was unfaithful to their partner also experiences a whirlwind of emotions that includes share, fear, anger towards their partner and themselves, and frustration.
A relationship will undoubtedly change after a relationship, should the two partners decide to stay together. It is a long and difficult process, but if both people are willing to put forth the effort, love can truly conquer all.
There are various things that you can do in your relationship to help ensure that adultery never rears its ugly head, and I will outline these actions in full detail. I’m also going to share some signs of a cheating partner just in case you feel that something is not right. If the unthinkable has already happened and either you or your partner has cheated, I want you to know that there are ways to bounce back if you truly want to! I know that you’re probably feeling worried right now, but rest assured. If you need my help I am here for you.
Adultery in marriage and relationships: Why does it happen?
There are many reasons why people cheat, but the most common cause of infidelity is the feeling that a person wants something that they’re not getting in their relationship.
The truth is that people who are unfaithful to their partners are often emotionally and/or physically unsatisfied in the relationship. The person who cheated probably didn’t wake up that morning and think, “Hm, you know what would be fun today? Cheating on the person that loves me!” While there is no “good excuse” for adultery, knowing the specific reasons behind it can help to restore the relationship if both people want to remain together.
Now, there are also some people that are serial cheaters and get a rush from the chase and the excitement of doing something forbidden. If you know that you’re with someone like this I have to say, please protect your heart and find somebody who isn’t going to take advantage of your trust so easily.
As I’m sure you know (especially if you’re familiar with my articles), once two people have been together for an extended period of time, The Routine begins to settle in. Sometimes one of the two people misses that feeling of excitement so much that they begin to pursue it elsewhere, or give in to an opportunity that presents itself out of the blue.
For some people, it is purely physical, and for others it’s more about the ego boost of feeling desirable. When a person has a full on relationship with someone who isn’t their spouse (or boyfriend or girlfriend), it is often because they miss the excitement that accompanies the beginning of a relationship. Another reason is that they feel like they need emotional support that they aren’t receiving from their partner.
Some studies have shown that the reasons that men and women cheat are actually quite different. A study carried out by Superdrug Online Doctor found that most men cheated for physical reasons whereas most women generally committed emotional cheating.
Truth be told, whether the root cause of the adultery in your relationship was a severe lack of physical closeness or a severe lack of emotional closeness, the fact that one of you looked outside of the relationship to fill that void still remains the same.
The next thing to take a look at is what you both consider to be full-on infidelity. The definition of adultery can vary from person to person, and it is of upmost importance for a couple to be on the same page about it.
What is an adulterer: What counts as cheating?
For some people, adultery is defined by physically having sex with someone who is not their partner. In fact, the textbook definition from Merriam-Webster is “Voluntary sexual intercourse between a married man and someone other than his wife or between a married woman and someone other than her husband.” For our purposes, we aren’t only talking about married couples, but this is the most common definition of adultery.
Generally speaking, people consider other forms of intimate physical touch with someone other than their significant other as cheating as well.
Sexual adultery is one thing, but what about emotionally connecting with another person? What if you just check out an attractive person’s Instagram? What if you have secret conversations with intimate subject matter with a coworker or a friend? What if you fantasize about someone other than your partner?
An easy way to think about how adultery is defined for you and your partner is by asking yourself these two questions:
1. Is there something that you’re doing or could do with another person that your conscience tells you that you should hide from your partner? (Or would your partner’s conscience make them hide their actions from you?)
2. Could you potentially physically cheat with this other person one day? (Or could your partner potentially cheat with this person one day?)
Each person and each relationship is unique so it’s up to you to define what adultery means to you. Some people would define it as having sexual contact with someone either over a one night stand or having a full blown relationship, and other people would add having a crush on another person, flirting, lying about being in a relationship, having sexually charged online conversations with someone, etc, to the definition as well.
If you haven’t already, make sure you have a conversation about this with your partner to ensure that things are very clear for both of you. To put it simply, cheating is basically the violation of a partner’s expectations.
Adultery: How to prevent it!
How do you avoid cheating in a relationship? Well, the key ingredients are going to be communication and honesty, keeping the flame alive, and fighting the routine.
The main thing is going to be talking about what is and is not appropriate. It’s important to be open and honest about what would bother you and what wouldn’t, and your partner should do the same. Making assumptions can prove to be very dangerous and it can be a hard way to learn that you and your partner weren’t actually on the same page.
The next step is to make sure that your relationship doesn’t make you feel like there could be so much more out there. I see a lot of couples just allow the flame to dwindle, when it isn’t that hard to keep that flame burning! Relationships inevitably evolve. All of them. It’s true that it’s not going to feel the same as it did during those first few months together, but that isn’t a negative thing. As relationships mature, the bond between two people can become deeper and deeper, granted they put forth the effort.
Always look for new experiences to share together. It doesn’t have to be extravagant – just make the effort to keep things fresh. Try out new restaurants, go to art gallery openings, go out for movie dates, go camping together, go on a little weekend getaway/road trip, try salsa dancing together, pick up a new hobby together… The possibilities are endless. Just think of fun things that can help you to continue to grow together.
You don’t want to allow things to start feeling boring or monotonous, and you especially don’t want anyone in the relationship to feel that the grass is greener on the other side and turn to cheating for some excitement.
Another important element of keeping your relationship safe from infidelity is taking care of yourselves. Making sure that you’re feeling healthy in mind and body is one of the most important aspects of a healthy and long lasting relationship. If you feel like your self confidence could use a boost, hit the gym to get those endorphins flowing, update your wardrobe, and make some headways on your professional or personal goals. We’re only human and many of us just settle into the routine and put our lives and relationships on cruise control. The problem is that it makes things become more and more boring, and that’s exactly when your relationship is in danger of being faced with adultery.
It also goes without saying that keeping the passion alive in the relationship is one of the best ways to guard against any issues relating to infidelity in your relationship. You both must continue to seduce each other, and if you want to know more about that I invite you to check out this article on seducing men and women!
Keeping things exciting in the bedroom is a great way to make your partner feel that there is no need to look elsewhere. By the way, if you’re suspicious that your partner might be drifting away from you and drifting towards someone else, instead of reacting with anger and jealousy (which by the way is totally natural and normal), try reminding them of how amazing you are.
Threatening and being furious might temporarily put them back on the right track, or it might make them push you away. It’s important to voice that this is unacceptable, but don’t forget to give your partner reason to want to be with you instead. You want to re-seduce them, if you will, so make sure you’re always putting your best foot forward and are reminding him or her of why they fell in love with you in the first place.
Signs of adultery in a relationship
I’ve written an entire article on signs to be on the lookout for if you’re suspecting that your significant other is messing around behind your back, but I’ll give you a few indicators here as well.
One of the main signs that someone is being unfaithful is that they’ve suddenly become uncharacteristically secretive. They hide their phone, or have put a new lock code on it, they don’t tell you where they’ve been or they come up with weak excuses or explanations, they are late places and don’t care to tell you why…
Some of the other signs of infidelity that I’ve outlined in my other article are:
– A sudden change in how well your partner takes care of themselves: Either they put more effort into the way they present themselves or they make less of an effort because they’re gaining confidence.
– He or she is no longer that interested in being intimate with you
– You catch your partner checking out other people
– He or she is no longer that invested in your relationship
– Your partner is starting to talk about their doubts in terms of being in a serious relationship with you
You’ve probably known each other for a while now and you know your partner very well. If your gut tells you that something is wrong, it’s important that you openly and calmly talk about it together. If your partner has nothing to hide, then the conversation shouldn’t be anything too challenging. If she or she becomes unusually defensive, then your suspicions may be rooted in truth.
One thing that people often forget is that you need to cultivate an environment in which your partner feels safe enough to tell you the truth. Until you’ve talked about what’s really going on, it’s going to be hard to find the appropriate solution.
Sure, your significant other might suddenly be doing things that you feel are out of the ordinary and it might be making you feel like something is very wrong, but until you have concrete proof (like lipstick on his collar or if she flat out admits it), it’s hard to start working together to fix the problem that your relationship is experiencing.
So what do you do if you cheated or if you know for sure that your partner has been unfaithful to you?
What do to if adultery has occurred in your relationship
If one of you has cheated, you’re undoubtedly in a very trying period. The aftermath of infidelity is extremely painful, for both people involved. Chances are that one of you is feeling betrayed, hurt and deceived, and the other is feeling ashamed and perhaps even shocked by their actions. The question is now: Do we stay together or not? Can infidelity be forgiven? Can trust ever be unbroken? And, will it ever happen again?
I want you to know that yes, a relationship can bounce back after adultery, but it isn’t going to be easy. It’s not going to work if only one of you tries to fight for the relationship.
It is also OK if you truly feel that you want to turn the page and move on from this relationship.
Maybe it was the last straw. Maybe it was the one thing you told your partner you could not forgive. Perhaps your trust has been so broken that you can’t imagine it ever being repaired.
It’s not uncommon for cheating to mark the end of a relationship, namely because it feels like too much of a betrayal to look past.
That said, it doesn’t always signify the end. Sometimes it wakes you up and makes both of you realize how important you are for one another, and you’re both willing to make things right.
I coached a woman not too long ago that had discovered that she had a cheating husband. At first, it was very difficult for her because she was going through his phone, and dissecting every little thing he did. She couldn’t stop herself from analyzing every move, every word… She couldn’t get herself to forget the images in her head. She described the feeling as having a lump of coal in the pit of her stomach and each time she thought about what happened, she felt physically sick. She said that the worst part for her was not knowing how she could ever trust him again.
She needed to feel his love and to be reassured that he truly did want her.
I, therefore, gave her two tasks. First, I wanted her to work on clearing all of these negative images out of her mind with meditation, exercise, and a schedule full of activities that brought her joy. I gave her tips for thinking about other things and focusing on moving forwards.
Defining and planning out their future allowed her to focus on moving past this, without twisting the knife in the wound.
In her relationship, I advised her to introduce new things. Sharing new experiences and spicing things up is extremely important, especially when you are trying to work through a trying period.
You can introduce freshness in your relationship via new activities, new experiences, and sex. For example, in the bedroom you can introduce new lingerie, trying toys, or new positions. In your every day lives you can go out and try new restaurants, seeing new shows or bands, going sailing… The possibilities are endless.
Her husband changed as soon as she was able to express what she was feeling and what she expected from him. Along with bringing freshness into the relationship, opening up dialogue and reinforcing their connection is what helped my coachee’s situation the most.
A person can redeem themselves when they understand what exactly is expected of them.
After all of this, her partner became a man that gave her what she truly wanted.
Adultery = Blessing in disguise…?
As this article comes to a close, I wanted to make sure we ended on a positive note. I know how painful this period is, so I just wanted to remind you of one last thing.
Sometimes, adultery in a relationship comes as a blessing in disguise. It can be the electroshock that wakes both of you up and makes your bond stronger than ever, especially because you came so close to losing each other.
Though it’s exceedingly painful, cheating can bring your relationship’s underlying core issues to light. It pretty much shines a spotlight on things that need to change in order for you to both be happy. Even if you decide to go your separate ways, you end up learning valuable lessons about your needs and a future partner’s needs.
It might surprise you to hear that some of the strongest relationships I’ve witnessed have actually gone through exactly what you’re experiencing right now. Once their bond was threatened, they became closer than ever before.
If you work as a team to improve things in your relationship and rebuild trust, your relationship could become better than ever.
Please don’t hesitate to get in touch with me if you have any questions. I am happy to help whether you want to save your relationship after cheating or turn the page and move on. Together we can define a custom action plan that works perfectly for your situation.
I am wishing you all the best in love and in life.
Ciao ciao les amis,
Your coach for knowing how to handle adultery in your relationship,