Cheating wife: the main signs and what to do!
What do you do when you find out that the woman you’ve been sharing your life with has been cheating on you? Do you stay? Do you go? Why did she do it? Will she do it again?
Unfortunately, it seems that you’re experiencing the pain of learning that the person you love has broken your trust in one of the worst ways imaginable. The emotions coursing through you right now switch between rage, heartbreak, confusion, and sadness. It might even feel like you’re never going to be able to get to the other side of this period. Though you might be thinking, “How could I ever have a healthy relationship with a cheating wife,” I want you to know that it is perfectly possible!
I’ve written this article today to outline what exactly you have to do if you want to bounce back from this ordeal and make your relationship with your wife better than ever! You’ll find a list of signs to look out for If you aren’t sure if she’s cheating on you, and then I’ll go into the methods for surviving infidelity.
I think my wife is cheating on me… Is this common?
One of the first things that many coachees in this situation ask me is this: “Do a lot of wives cheat?” They want to know that they aren’t alone, especially because the feeling is so painful. They feel completely lost, and they ask me about what other people in similar situations have done.
On one hand, they are considering letting it all go. Their trust is broken, they’ve been betrayed by the woman they love most, and they don’t know how the relationship could ever be the same again. (The relationship won’t be the same again… But that doesn’t have to be a bad thing. More on that later!)
On the other hand, they’re thinking, “My wife cheated, but should I still try to fight for the relationship?”
There is always a reason why a wife is cheating...
The most important thing to understand about this situation is that there is a reason behind her actions. If you want this relationship to pull through, you’re going to have to work together to pinpoint the root of the problem. Infidelity is a very nasty consequence of an issue that the relationship is having.
I say this because I often see men unknowingly try to take the blame, while forgetting that the relationship is made up of two people. Two partners. “I should have taken better care of myself… I should have gotten her more flowers… I should have been more romantic…”
The feeling of “I wasn’t good enough” can be debilitating. Cheating is a huge blow to a person’s ego, but its of upmost importance that you do NOT think that this is no one’s fault but your own.
Sure, perhaps the two of you were facing issues in the relationship and maybe you weren’t doing as much as you could have to improve the situation, but that does not mean that cheating is an acceptable excuse. I’m not going to sugarcoat it - Your partner had a choice.
Cheating wife: how to understand her?
It’s true, in today’s day and age, many people (both men and women) are guilty of cheating on a spouse instead of making the effort to rectify the issues that the relationship was facing.
Many times, I see my coachees taking the blame without even realizing it because they’re looking for a defense mechanism to relieve the pain. They subconsciously feel that if this ordeal is somehow their fault, they can also change it very quickly.
One thing that does not help with this phenomenon is when I see people’s reactions when they get caught cheating.
They initially deny it, and then they’ll try to deflect the blame onto their significant other.
“Maybe if we had more sex I wouldn’t have had to look elsewhere!”
“You don’t spend any time with me or do anything to make me feel special.”
“I feel alone in this relationship.”
Again, just as the blame cannot solely be placed on one person, the effort to remedy the situation can’t be expected from only one partner either.
You’re probably also wondering if your wife cheats once, is she going to do it again? Generally speaking, the chances of a person cheating again will depend on how happy they are in their relationship. If their relationship feels amazing and they don’t feel like the grass is greener on the other side, then chances are that they won’t cheat again.
That said, there are some people who just enjoy cheating because of the adrenaline rush or they just love playing the game. If you feel that you’re in a relationship with someone like this, I have to suggest that you find someone else who won’t take your trust for granted so easily.
I know that this entire thing feels awful right now, but I don’t want you to think that you’re alone. Unfortunately, this happens to many people. Here are two examples of people that I’ve coached recently.
A man’s wife was cheating until…
I was coaching man recently that had discovered that he had a cheating wife.
In the beginning, Dave had a hard time because he was going through her phone, and was analyzing every little thing she did. He couldn’t help analyzing every move, every word… He couldn’t forget the images in his head. He said he was sick to his stomach each time he thought about what happened. He said that the worst thing was that he didn’t know if he could ever trust his wife again.
He wanted to be certain that she loved him and wanted no one else.
I gave him two missions. First, I wanted him to work on clearing all of these negative images out of his head with the help of meditation, exercise, and a busy schedule. I wanted him to always be busy doing things that made him happy. I gave him tips for thinking about other things and focusing on moving forwards.
Defining and planning out their future was what helped him to focus on moving past this, without twisting the knife in the wound.
In the relationship, I advised him to introduce new things. Sharing new experiences and spicing things up is extremely important, especially when you are trying to work through a difficult period.
You can introduce freshness in your relationship via new activities, new experiences, and sex. For example, in the bedroom you can introduce new freshness by trying toys, or new positions. In your every day lives you can go out and try new restaurants, seeing new shows or bands, going sailing… The possibilities are endless.
His wife changed as soon as she was able to express what he was feeling and what he expected from her. Along with bringing a breath of fresh air into the relationship, opening up dialogue and reinforcing their connection is what helped my coachee’s situation the most.
A person who cheated will know how to redeem themselves when they understand what exactly is expected of them.
She was cheating on him and almost left, but he turned things around…
A few months back, I coached a man who had found out that his wife had been cheating on him. Their relationship had been slowly deteriorating, and she fell for someone she dated when she was younger
Since things weren’t going well at home with her husband, she just went with it.
We weren’t quite sure of what was going on, but she was spending hours glued to her phone, she had changed its passcode, and needless to say, she had become considerably less invested in the relationship.
At first he tried to reason with her and talk her out of it, but she said that she had fallen for this other man and couldn’t help herself.
This is when I suggested changing the method. I wanted him to focus on nothing but the present moment. Now his goal was to always have something more interesting to do than what his wife was doing.
I also asked him to focus on what was not working in his relationship before he found out she was cheating on him. He realized that he had let himself go.
So he started going to the gym again, he started going out again, planning fun activities for himself and for their kids…
Can you guess what his wife’s very first reaction was? She was actually frustrated! She saw that he had finally become the man she wanted.
I asked him to keep his cool, and to place a small amount of distance between them so that she’d have her back against the wall and would have to hear him out and communicate, and so that she’d have to make the move to get closer to him.
In the end, they were able to save their relationship and she realized that he would be able to forgive her (she was terrified that he wouldn’t). By focusing on seduction, they were able to start off fresh!
Cheating wives: Why does this happen?
Generally speaking, the main reason why wives cheat is that they want something that they aren’t getting at home. There are various forms of cheating as well. For example, there Is physical cheating and there is emotional cheating.
The routine tends to settle into a relationship after two people have been together for a long time. Things become repetitive, monotonous, predictable, and sometimes even a bit boring.
The routine can kill a relationship
The routine is actually one of the main causes of separations, so it’s exceedingly important to combat this. That said, the fact that the routine happens naturally does not mean that you can’t do anything to fight it!
Sometimes a person feels like they need a bit more excitement and physical intimacy, and sometimes a person strays because they are not feeling emotionally satisfied by their partner.
What I mean by this is that I often see people straying outside of their relationship when they want to feel emotionally close to someone again. They don’t feel that deep connection with their partner anymore and they want to feel like they can turn to someone. They want to feel wanted, desired, and attractive.
Be careful to the signs...
The lack of physical or emotional closeness is the most common reason why people cheat, but it is far from being the only one.
When people are looking for an explanation behind a wife being unfaithful they often overlook the person’s past. A person sometime reproduces the example they had while growing up. Many people have unfortunately experienced a serious lack of validation from one or both parents, and turn to infidelity to fill their insatiable need for feeling wanted.
Other times, simply put, the person who cheats is just acting out of selfishness. Sometimes a person wants something so they just go for it without thinking about the consequences or the effect it could have on another person. She might even feel like the rules that apply to other people don’t apply to her. This is actually called “terminal uniqueness” and can have seriously damaging consequences.
Sometimes a cheating wife or girlfriend simply lacks the maturity to realize what a serious relationship entails, so they pick and choose when they want to adhere to the notion of monogamy.
Do you think you wife is feeling insecure?
I’ve also seen people cheat as a result of an insecurity. Perhaps your wife doesn’t feel confident about herself so when the opportunity arose to get an ego boost, the took it. Sometimes people cheat because they like or need to feel attractive to someone else (or multiple people).
One of my coachees was cheated on because he had gotten in a fight with his wife, and she assumed that the relationship was over. Another person’s wife cheated because she wanted to leave the relationship but not until she was certain that shed have something else lined up. I also coached someone who cheated on her husband because she felt like he didn’t feel anything for her anymore.
There are many reasons why a person would choose to cheat and often times it’s something that just happens in the heat of the moment. There is always an underlying reason, and if you want to save your relationship, you have to work together to get to the bottom of it and find a longterm solution.
The answer to “Why is my wife cheating on me” is usually a combination of different elements that can evolve over time.
Is my wife cheating: Learn how to recognize the signs
Have you been suspecting that something isn’t right? Do you feel like maybe your wife is being unfaithful?
To help you to get a better idea of what’s going on, I wanted to provide you with some indicators to be on the lookout for.
What are the signs you need to be paying attention?
Each person is entirely unique, but there are some actions that can be dead giveaways, and sometimes they’re a little bit more subtle than you think. There are of course obvious signs like if you stumble across damning text messages or if she calls you the wrong name in bed, but what about the little things that make you feel uneasy?
Keep an eye out for the following signs she’s cheating if you really want to know for sure. It’s important to not jump to conclusions, but don’t turn a blind eye to actions that are telling you that something is up.
- She’s acting differently. Maybe she’s more secretive, defensive, or distant.
- She’s been keeping her phone out of view, she’s changed the lock code, or she’s been going out of her way to make sure you don’t see it.
- She’s been talking about being doubtful of being in a serious relationship.
- She’s been talking about how horrible cheating is and how she’d never ever do it.
Cheating wives (and husbands) will do this because it’s a defense mechanism. When a person feels very guilty about their own actions, they might go out of their way to tell you how terrible it is and how they’d never do such a thing. Similarly, she might be fixating on her own actions so much that she’ll start trying to convince you (as well as herself) that she’s not actually being unfaithful.
- She suddenly needs much more “me time.”
- She’s been picking fights for no reason and either comes home very late or not at all afterwards.
- She’s been lying about small things
- She’s begun to take much better care of herself and might be wearing sexier clothing.
- She accuses you of cheating on her.
People who are cheating accuse their partners of doing so when the guilt starts to get the best of them. This is an attempt at deflecting the guilt.
- She’s no longer invested in the relationship.
- She isn’t interested in being intimate with you anymore.
- She begins giving you an excessive amount of compliments (so that you would never suspect her of cheating).
Your intuition is (almost) always right...
Listen to your gut. Do you really feel that she’s being unfaithful? Listen to your intuition, and make sure you know how to differentiate between fears rooting from insecurities in the relationship or from your past, and something that is actually happening that needs to be remedied right away.
If you’re coming to the conclusion that “My wife is cheating,” I encourage you to try a counterintuitive approach. I know your first reflex will be to go into attack mode, but try this instead.
Say, “I know that you’re being unfaithful to me, and I want to work through this together.” Based on her reaction, you’ll know if she really is or if she isn’t. A woman who isn’t cheating on her partner will do everything in her power to reassure him and prove to him that he’s the one she wants.
Wife cheating: The aftermath + Saving the relationship
The most common reaction people have when they’re confronted about their infidelity is to deny it or to come up with excuses. Sometimes people don’t even realize that they’re trying to blame their partner for their own actions.
Some of the most common excuses I’ve seen are these:
“If you’d be more romantic and make me feel special then I wouldn’t have ever cheated!”
“If we were having more sex than I wouldn’t have to look somewhere else.”
“I’m not doing anything that my friends aren’t doing.”
“What’s the harm of chatting with these men online? I’m not actually pursuing them. It’s just fun.”
As I wrote, these excuses are just a way for your partner to try to justify their actions or switch the blame. If this is going to work between you, she has to understand that you’ll both need to work together as a team.
Once she’s able to tell you the truth, you’ll have to set off to a fresh start. The relationship will inevitably change, but don’t let that scare you. It’s not the end of the world! What’s more, some of the most solid relationships I know have gone through this. They’ve come out stronger than ever.
Sometimes, when a relationship is threatened, the couple realizes how much they want to fight for it. You might now realize everything you’re both willing to do in order to not lose each other. When this happens, something beautiful occurs. Your bond is renewed and strengthened.
You’re going to have to start working on re-attract one another, and rekindling the flame in the relationship.
The best way to do this is to begin making new memories together. Bringing freshness into the relationship will help you both to move on from this painful period. I want you to understand that this wound isn’t going to heal over night, but with patience and perseverance, it will subside with time.
Focus on trying out new things in the bedroom, discovering new places together, having new experiences, and trying out things like salsa class or rock climbing together.
Trust is going to be severely damaged in the relationship, so you’re both going to have to be patient. She’s going to have to work to prove to you that she’s serious about making this work and setting off on the right foot now, and you have to understand that things aren’t going to be fixed over night.
In the beginning, you’ll need to take some time to gather your thoughts, heal, and figure out what you want to do. If you do in fact choose to remain together, you’re also going to have to remain open to letting her redeem herself. I often see coachees holding on to a grudge against the person that wronged them, but if you truly want to bounce back from this you have to be open to truly moving on.
Holding a grudge won’t benefit either of you, and you don’t want to be held prisoner to this ordeal. Yes, your partner needs to understand how she hurt you and why this is unacceptable, but you must also begin working as a team again.
Couples therapy is always a good option, especially when you’re working on putting the pieces back together.
Though I know that this is a very trying time, always remember that everything is possible in Love, as long as you’re willing to work for it!
I wish you all the best in life and in love!
Your coach for knowing what to do if your wife is cheating on you