Should we break up – Advice from the French Relationship Expert

It’s strange how a person that once brought you unprecedented amounts of joy can suddenly become the source of such tension and unease. There was once a time when you felt like all was right in the world and you had found the perfect partner, so what happened? Why does it feel so confusing now? You never thought that you’d be thinking, “Should we break up,” so why has it happened and more importantly, what should you do?

A decision of this magnitude should not be taken lightly, but how can you make sure that you don’t make a decision that you’ll end up regretting? While I cannot give you a black and white answer, I can help you to become aware of what elements of your relationship need to be analyzed as this will lead you to the answer.

That is why I’ve chosen to write this article for you today on how to figure out whether or not your should end the relationship now or figure out a way to heal it and bounce back. I know that you’re going through a lot right now and it’s never easy to figure out if it’s time to jump ship or figure out a way to steer it back to calmer waters.

Thinking about breaking up: Why haven’t you done so yet?

You might be surprised at how many people remain in an unhappy relationship because they’re afraid of causing their significant other pain. They deeply love this person, but they are no longer in love with them or the relationship has become something that no longer brings them joy.

I know that it’s very hard to imagine breaking the heart of someone that you care deeply about, and the easier option seems like staying in the relationship. You catch yourself thinking, “Well, it could be worse,” and before you know it, you’re trying to convince yourself to be with this person. What this means is that something has to change.

Now, what I want you to understand is that this doesn’t necessarily mean that you have no choice but to end the relationship. Perhaps instead of thinking about “Should we break up,” you might want to start thinking about what changes you can make in the relationship that would bring you more joy and satisfaction. What exactly is making you feel unsatisfied and do you think that it’s possible to change the relationship? The answers to these two questions will definitely help you to make your decision.

Another common reason why people hesitate to leave an unhappy relationship is simply because they’re afraid of being alone. After so much time having a partner, the idea of suddenly becoming single again is very daunting. Some people are super excited at the thought, whereas others pull away from it.

I’ve also come across men and women that ask me about knowing when to break up that simply don’t know what they want. Part of them wants to be in a relationship and part of them doesn’t, and they can’t figure out what would make them happier. Sometimes this actually doesn’t even have anything to do with their significant other and it’s more about them needing to figure some things out in their own lives…

Why are you wondering, “Should I break up?”

How did this thought make its way into your head? Are you ready to move on from this relationship or is there something else at play? The better idea you have of what you’re feeling and what you want, the easier the decision will be.

The hardest decisions become the easiest decisions if you let time clarify things. When you’re thinking about whether to break up or not, it’s imperative to avoid being hasty. Take your time, think things through, and allow yourself to really consider the pros and cons.

I’ve broken the main reasons for breaking up with someone into these subsections:

1. I am not feeling satisfied in my relationship.

A sense of monotony and routine can settle into relationships that have lasted for a long time. Things start to feel a bit predictable and you might even begin to take each other for granted. If you’re still deeply in love with your partner, this becomes even more confusing.

If the feelings are still there, the situation will be much easier to rectify should you want to. You have to take a moment and analyze what needs to change in the relationship, in your partner’s behavior, and in your own behavior so that you could become happier in the relationship. If this seems doable to do, the relationship can make it through. It’s all going to boil down to whether or not you want it to work and whether or not you’re both willing to put in the effort.

2. Is it time to split up if it turned out that we don’t share the same goals?

Do you and your partner (still) want the same things? As time goes on, people and relationships evolve. In some cases, people were on the same page in the beginning but that is no longer the case. As time goes on, sometimes people find themselves going down different paths. It could be career-related, investment-related, or maybe one of you wants to move and the other doesn’t.

Compromise is always required in successful relationships and you both have to determine how much of that you’re comfortable with. It’s essential that you’re both on the same page if you want your relationship to bounce back.

A couple that doesn’t share the same goals is not doomed. Compromise and communication will be required so that you can reach a middle ground and no longer wonder “Do we need to break up?!”

3. I feel like I need time on my own.

Sometimes a person realizes that they just need to be alone. It can be related to depression, too much pressure at work, or some important soul searching. This is always tough if you have a partner because it might not have anything to do with them at all. You may still love him or her but you know it’s important to be on your own so that you can find some clarity.

It’s quite challenging to decide whether or not you should end this relationship when you have so many conflicting emotions, but I would encourage you to open up to him or her about what’s on your mind. I think it’s safe to say that your behavior has probably changed and your partner is picking up on the fact that something is up. A lot of tensions arise when someone needs space and doesn’t take the time to explain it to their partner. Your partner will of course pick up on it, and the ensuing emotions, if things are not clear, can add an uneasy dynamic to the relationship, making you want to get away even more.

Your significant other may be able to help you design an action plan geared towards making you feel better. Perhaps this involves a little more “you time” or some other changes in your day to day life.

4. Should you break up if your family is pressuring you to do so?

I’ve unfortunately seen people break up with someone they love very much simply because their family (or friends) didn’t approve. Sometimes the loved ones see something negative in their significant other that he or she is too love-struck to see, but other times they just don’t like the person’s partner for no good reason at all.

Pay attention to their reasons for not liking your partner and honestly ask yourself if it’s important to pay attention to or not. This is your life and these are your decisions – don’t let others decide for you.

5. We are constantly fighting…

Fighting is one of the most common reasons for someone to ask themselves, “Is it time to break up with him or her?”

It’s exhausting, it’s frustrating, and it’s not unusual for a person to want out no matter how much they love their partner.

If you don’t actually want the relationship to end, working on proper communication could save the day. Start paying attention to the way you two speak to each other. Is it accusatory? Are your fights explosive? Try working on your language. For example, instead of saying something like, “You always have something better to do… You never spend time with me,” focus more on taking the blame out of your sentence by saying something along the lines of, “I really miss spending time with you. Let’s go do something fun together!”

6. There is abuse in the relationship

Victims of abuse unfortunately often stay in their relationship out of fear. The fear can be related to a variety of factors like threats, financial stability, children…

Truth be told, though a healthy relationship does not have room for abuse, it doesn’t mean that the feelings a person has for their partner, or perhaps for how their partner used to be, just disappear. Sometimes people hold on to hope for change, but if things have gone too far it might be time to let go and mourn the loss of this person and their good side like with any other breakup.

The top 10 reasons to split from your partner

What are the main reasons people have for breaking up? I’ve listed them out here for you so that you can see if they resonate with you. If you’re wondering about how to tell if you should break up with someone, ask yourself if you recognize multiple of the reasons below. If the answer is yes, it is possible that this is not the relationship for you.

• You don’t feel close to your significant other anymore. There is no complicity and now that the passion has fizzled out, you’re realizing that you’re not as close as you thought you were…
• You barely have any sex at all. Physical intimacy is one of the most important glues that hold a relationship together. Not only is sex not happening, you don’t really even want it…
• Sex is the ONLY thing holding things together. Sometimes the issue is that sex is literally the only thing keeping you two together. If you want to establish a solid relationship that’s going to stand the test of time, and if you want to share a deep, emotional connection and complicity with your partner, you’re going to need more than just good sex…
• There are plenty of fish in the sea and you’re not so interested in the one you’ve found anymore. All you can think about these days is going fishing to see what else you could catch.
• You no longer find your partner physically or mentally attractive. You can’t force yourself to have feelings for someone if they just aren’t there.
• You can’t imagine a future together. Like I said above, sometimes people grow apart and want very different things.
• All you do is fight. You could cut the tension in the air with a knife and you are not living in a positive atmosphere at all.
• Emotional dependency is suffocating the relationship. One of you is needy and clingy and it feels like there is no room to breathe.
• Things feel boring and stagnant. The routine can really take the spice out of life if you let it get too overpowering. Many relationships fall apart because they’ve begun to feel more like a weight than a source of joy and inspiration.

Time to break up: Here’s how to do it

So maybe you’ve decided that you need to in fact end your relationship with your significant other. But how do you leave someone you love? I’m going to be honest; even if you don’t feel romantic love for this person, there’s no easy way to do it, but there are some Do’s and Don’ts, so let’s start with what you shouldn’t do when you’re breaking up with someone you love.

There are a few things to keep in mind in terms of how not to break up with someone you love. Some of these include ignoring them or acting like a jerk in hopes that they’ll leave you, giving mixed signals, threatening to leave in order to blackmail them into doing what you want, and telling other people it’s over before you actually tell your partner. Remember that break ups cause enough pain already so there’s no need to be disrespectful to someone you care so much about.

The most ideal way to break up with someone is to be honest and respectful. Don’t say something cliché and frustrating like, “It’s not you, it’s me,” and avoid saying anything unnecessarily cruel like “I’m just not attracted to you at all.” The best way to do it is in person, but you can also write a break up letter if you feel that you would have an easier time conveying what’s in your heart and on your mind.

Your significant other will most likely ask you questions or offer ways to fix things, but if you’re truly finished with the relationship, calmly answer their questions and express that you do not want to be in this relationship anymore. Be kind, but firm, and you can express your regret over having hurt them.

You can tell them that you’ve enjoyed spending time with you but that your feelings for them are not where they need to be in order for this relationship to go any further.

Breaking up with someone: Be aware of the aftermath

Some people want to remain friends and some people want a clean break, and regardless of what kind of relationship you want with your ex in the future, some time is going to be needed in order for things to calm down. Both of you are going to need some time to heal from this.

If you’re thinking about breaking up keep in mind that the healing process is going to take a bit of time, but you can speed things up as long as you work on improving your own life and making it the way you’ve always wanted it to be.

Now you can start working on getting back in touch with yourself. People often lost track of their personal projects of hobbies when they get into a serious relationship, so start doing the things you love again!

When you’ve realized “I need to break up” and you end your relationship, your ex is going to be on your mind, so you’re going to have to fill up your schedule with things that bring you joy.

Spend time with people that make you feel great and full of energy, go try out new activities like salsa dancing or rock climbing, pick up old hobbies, get ahead at work, or go on a weekend trip to get a breath of fresh air.

As I said, I’m always here to help you, whether it’s to write a break up letter or figure out the best way to do it in person. Together we can help you to bounce back from this breakup and get excited about things to come!

Wishing you all the best,

Your coach for how to know when to break up,

Alex Cormont