How to get over a breakup step by step – French Relationship Expert
As the song goes, breaking up is hard to do… but the aftermath is what hurts the most. Whether it was your decision to end the relationship or your ex’s, the pain that accompanies a breakup can be debilitating. It feels like everything has been turned upside down and it feels like no matter where you turn, you can’t hide from the heartache you’re feeling.
Even if you knew that things weren’t going well in the relationship, the end of a relationship always feels like a shock. I often work with people who are trying to bounce back from a painful breakup, and I am here to tell you that if you put forth the effort, you can get to the other side of this challenging period faster than you could have imagined. I’ve written an article that will teach you how to get over a breakup and start feeling happy and healthy in no time while making sure that you never have to experience this feeling again!
The moment your heart breaks, you are seized by a slew of emotions that range from profound sadness and hurt to anger and incomprehension. Your mind becomes clouded with all kinds of negative thoughts and it becomes hard to sleep. How long does this period have to last? Is there any way around it? What is the most important thing to do right now that will ensure a speedy recovery? Is it possible to get your ex back?
Getting over a breakup: Why does it have to hurt so much?
People often ask me why the pain of a broken heart is so intense. It doesn’t matter if you chose to end the relationship with the person you once loved (or still love), or if your ex-significant other decided to pull the plug. I have frequently heard people say that it hurts more to be broken up with and while it is true that it’s hard to lose power over the situation, breakups are extremely painful for both parties involved.
This feeling is often compared to the feeling that accompanies the loss of a loved one. You are in essence mourning the death of something that you cared deeply about. You mourn the loss of the future you had envisioned, the life you were sharing with this person, and your precious memories.
A reassuring thought is that a breakup, unlike actual death, is reversible. I will include a section on restoring relationships at the bottom of this article for those of you that might be interested.
Regardless of whether or not you want to attempt to get back together with your ex, you are going to have to find the means to get over a breakup so that you can start fresh.
Many people underestimate the importance of accepting the breakup. They think that accepting it is much too final and that they’re letting go of the possibility of being with the person they love again in the future. The truth is that though it’s an inevitably painful process, getting over breakups is actually the key to finding happiness again in the future, with or without your ex!
It’s interesting to acknowledge a common situation that I come across in my work. Quite frequently, I see relationships in which things are going downhill and neither person is happy. There might even be a fair amount of hostility or tension between the two partners and yet…
When one of the two people decides to put an end to the relationship, it feels like the walls are crumbling down around the two of them and the sense of loss is crippling. But why? If the relationship wasn’t going well then why does it hurt so much to lose it?
Once again, it has to do with a person’s hopes for the future, but there is another element at play here: a “Fantasy Bond,” which is a term coined by psychologist Robert Firestone. It refers to a false sense of security and an “imagined connection” to another person. Simply put, sometimes people will live in a fantasy or are in love with the idea of a person or a relationship, but not with the real situation. When the breakup happens, they mourn the loss of the idea they were preserving in their mind.
Perhaps this does not resonate with you, but I am going to make an effort to outline all of the possible things that might be going on here so that you can be fully aware of your situation and what tools you need to use in order to get over a breakup.
How to get through a breakup: Knowing the difference between letting it out and dwelling
When you are experiencing something deeply painful, it is of utmost importance that you do not try to suppress your feelings. Sure, there is a time and a place for everything and you might not want to be sobbing while you’re in an important meeting with your boss, but it is important that you find a moment to let your feelings out. It can be at home alone, or with your best friend that has always been a shoulder to lean on for you.
Keeping things bottled up for too long can really backfire and you can wind up with an unprecedented surge of emotions that proves to be exceedingly difficult to get under control.
If you feel like crying, do it. Even if you end up turning red and go through an entire box of tissues. Let it out of your system – and the sooner you do it the better. I will go over some tools to help with the mourning process in a moment, but the reason I wanted to include this section is this:
Allowing yourself to dwell is a very different thing. Some people enjoy wallowing in self-pity and while we are all human and sometimes this happens, it’s up to you to keep it in check.
You will not get over breaking up and heal if you isolate yourself and go through old photos of you together. There is no sense in twisting the knife in the wound and fueling this painful part of the process.
What you must understand is that you are actually in control of how long this period will last.
The most important thing for getting through a breakup…
If you’re asking yourself, “How do you get over a breakup and make this end as fast as possible,” the answer is very simple.
The absolute best thing that you can do right now is to put all of your focus on making your life as great as you’ve always wanted it to be. I know that you probably don’t feel like you have a lot of energy right now for that type of thing, especially because you might just want to stay in bed all day and watch sitcoms over a bowl of ice cream…
But if you make a conscious effort to take care of yourself right now, you will see that things are going to quickly change. The hardest part of all of this is getting started, but once you do start, you’ll be happy you did it and you’ll want to do more.
Taking care of yourself right now is important for many reasons. I encourage you to get to the gym, or if you haven’t already tried it, go begin taking yoga classes. Yoga is an excellent tool for reinforcing the body and the mind, feeling grounded and centered, and clearing negative thoughts. Getting some cardio at the gym will also get those endorphins flowing, which will boost your mood and energy levels.
When you start feeling better in your body, you’ll start feeling better in your mind and you’ll begin a new (more positive) cycle. The better you feel, the more you’ll want to do! Reminding yourself that you’re in control is going to do wonders for helping you in getting past a breakup.
I also want you to start working towards your personal and professional goals. Feeling proud of yourself is key here, and you’re holding all the power to do just that. Have you been wanting to get that promotion at work? Start coming up with new ideas and initiatives that can get your boss to start noticing what a valuable asset you are. Have you been meaning to remodel or try a new wall color in the living room? Throw on some great music and get started. What about that trip you’ve been wanting to go on ever since you were little? Well, you know what I’m going to say. Start planning!
How to get through a breakup: The reflection stage
One of the most important things to do to get over a breakup is to take the time to think about what happened, and how it can be avoided in the future. This is the same regardless of whether or not you want to be with your ex again in the future. You need to make an effort to properly analyze the situation.
This is where help from a coach like me can come in handy. Having an objective, third-party point of view can really help to shed light on the situation. If you have any questions for me, I am just one click away!
I am fully aware of the fact that assessing the relationship and the breakup are not easy things to do because they require some introspection that might hurt a bit, but it’s very important. Be very honest with yourself and think about what reasons your partner gave for ending the relationship, or what reasons you had for doing so.
If you were the one that was let go, do you feel that your ex-partner’s reasoning was valid? Do you feel that there are improvements that you can make in your personal life as well as in how you behave in relationships?
A common thing that I often see in relationships that meet an untimely end is an issue related to emotional dependency. When there is a lack of balance between their relationship and personal life, a person’s relationship can severely suffer. The lighthearted excitement that existed at the beginning of a relationship can quickly be replaced by a feeling of pressure or suffocation which quickly leads to the relationship’s end.
I want to bring your attention to these things so that you know how to guard against going down the same path in the future. If you’re experiencing difficulty with being emotionally independent, the best thing to do is to follow my guidelines above on working on yourself and on improving your life. When you are satisfied with your own life, you are going to be less inclined to feel any type of dependency on another person. This is very important in all aspects of our lives!
Similarly, if you’ve noticed that you’ve been experiencing issues with proper communication, or too much of the routine, a lackluster sex life, I invite you to check out the extensive, in depths articles available to you on my site.
I do want to mention that you need to be careful that you don’t end up blaming yourself. A relationship is comprised of two people and if it ended, you both played a role. What I am saying here is that you need to make sure that you pinpoint what you may have been the source of, and that you work to figure out long-term solutions for the future.
How to get over a breakup: Clear away reminders
There is definitely something to be said for the saying, “Out of sight, out of mind.”
While I know that putting reminders out of view is not going to immediately erase all reflexes to think about your ex-boyfriend or girlfriend, it really will help. Bonus points if you actually switch up the layout of rooms so that things begin feeling fresh!
Many people will tell you to completely get rid of all of the things that remind you of him or her. They want you to throw it all in the trash and get rid of it forever – and some will even tell you to throw it in the fireplace and watch it all burn away into nothing.
Realistically speaking, this isn’t everyone’s cup of tea. The most important thing right now is to get it out of sight. You might want to burn it all, and that’s fine, and you might prefer to pack it all up into boxes and put it in the garage or in the attic, which is also fine. Wherever you decide to put it, make sure it’s out of sight.
This falls in line with the dwelling. You want to allow yourself to get a fresh start and start feeling lighter. If you’re living surrounded by things that remind you of your ex boyfriend or girlfriend, it’s only going to feel like a weight that keeps pulling you down. If you want to know the answer to “How can you get over a breakup,” just know that the key is freshness. You don’t have to brainwash yourself to forget about everything you’ve ever shared with this person (even though right about now I know that feels like a very welcome idea…) You just need to switch your focus. It’s easier said than done, but if you set your mind toward focusing on the positive elements of the future, each day will get easier.
One of my tips for getting over a breakup is to invite one (or all) of your best friends over to help you reorganize your space. Have fun with it and you’ll be surprised at how much a new environment will improve things. Your memories are going to be linked to certain visual triggers, so if you don’t want to keep feeling those pangs of sadness whenever something reminds you of a fond souvenir you shared with your ex, switch things up!
The answer to “how do you get over a breakup?”
You have so many things at your disposal, and you are in control of all of it. Many people fear that they are going to remain heartbroken forever, but rest assured that this will not happen as long as you are proactive. To help you get a better idea of all the things that you can do, I’ve compiled some of the best tools for getting past a breakup.
The absolute best ways to get over a breakup!
The tools and techniques I’m about to list out are in no particular order. Go ahead and incorporate all of them into your daily life starting today, and you’ll see that you’ll start to feel better in no time!
• Put yourself first: Like I said above, now is the time to start focusing on yourself and making yourself happier than ever. You deserve to feel joy and satisfaction in your life, and no one can bring more of that into your life than YOU!
• Makeover: If you feel that you’d like to update your look, now would be a great time to do it. The best way is of course sport and exercise so that you can give yourself a boost of confidence and endorphins, but you can also try out a new look. This could be a new haircut or some new clothes, or you can just pamper yourself with a mani/pedi or a massage.
• Help someone else in need: Sometimes the absolute best thing for getting yourself out of a rut filled with negative and depressing thoughts is making the effort to help someone else in need. Giving to others is always great because it’s always a win-win situation. There is no shortage of people who would appreciate or need a helping hand or a shoulder to lean on, and it’s going to make you feel much better as well.
• Reorganize your space: As I said above, a change of scenery can do wonders when you’re feeling low. What’s more, it gives you something to do to keep your mind occupied. Remaining busy is one of the best things to do when you are going through a break up.
• Write a letter that you don’t send: You can even write multiple angry or heartbroken letters to your ex boyfriend or girlfriend, and just keep them for yourself. The act of writing your emotions onto a piece of paper serves as a tool for getting them out of your system so that you can move forward. Sometimes the emotions feel so heavy, so make use of this tool for releasing them!
• Mental exercises: Repeating certain mantras or phrases to repeat to yourself when you’re feeling overwhelmed can truly help to soothe your mind. It doesn’t matter if they’re cheesy or empowering, as long as they provide you with a sense of release. The goal is to remind yourself of important things that you tend to forget in trying times. For example, “I deserve to be happy.” “I love who I am.” “I am better off without my ex because _____,” “Something much better is coming to me.”
• Make a list of everything that bothered you about your ex: Writing out all the things that bugged you or made you angry or sad can help to usher in a feeling of relief that the relationship has ended. It can also help you to put things into perspective and know what you truly want in a relationship and in a partner.
• Set aside time for wallowing: As I said earlier, it’s important to let your emotions out but you have to find the sweet spot between drowning in your emotions at all times and bottling them up. This is why I suggest certain time periods during the day where you can let it all out. Listen to sad music, talk about it with a good friend, or watch a sad movie, and let the tears flow if they want to.
• Disconnect from your phone: I know very many of us are addicted to our phones which isn’t such a good thing, but it becomes a very bad habit when you’ve just gone through a breakup. I bet you’ve been catching yourself looking at your phone every few minutes in the hopes of getting a text or a phone call from your ex. Putting your phone on silent or even airplane mode for a bit of time each day can help wean you off of that yearning feeling and help you to switch your focus.
• Block your ex: If you’re finding it too difficult to fight the temptation to browse your ex’s Facebook or Instagram, or if you’re always hoping to receive a phone call from them, you might consider blocking them. Making sure you get some space is one of the absolute best ways to get over a break up.
• Meditate don’t medicate: I see a lot of people turn to drugs or alcohol to “save” them from this feeling, but there are so many other ways to get to the other side of this. If you ever feel yourself having the urge to use substances to drown out your sorrows, especially if you’re alone, call up some friends and surround yourself with people that make you happy. Going out and partying is fine – just make sure you’re not hurting yourself or doing things to make matters worse.
• Spend time outside: I know this might sound obvious, but remaining holed up at home is not going to do much to improve the situation. Get some fresh air and clear your mind. You can even kill two birds with one stone by going for a run. This way you’ll be getting some exercise and you’ll be spending some time outside.
• Practice gratitude: When things are hard, it’s normal that you would find yourself fixating on everything that is bringing you heartache and pain right now. So train your mind to focus on something else; something positive. Whenever you begin feeling down, start focusing on things that you are grateful for and start listing them in your head. Reminding yourself that you do have a lot of goodness in your life will help to lift your mood, especially if you do this on a regular basis.
• Actively work on healing: This might sound strange at first, but I say this because I see a great number of people actively preserving this painful period. They wallow in their sadness and do not make the effort to move past this period. So I encourage you to make sure that you truly do want to heal and that you are making a viable effort to actually heal!
Ways to get over a breakup: There are apps for it!
Did you know that there are actually apps that can help people to get over breakups?
I wanted to quickly go over two of these apps: Mend and Rx Breakup.
Mend’s website says that it’s “like a best friend who never gets sick of hearing about your breakup.” It guides you through the breakup step by step, every day. Rx Breakup proposes exercises and activities that help you to get over a breakup.
These apps are particularly handy when you’re feeling like you’ve talked your family and friends’ ears off and you don’t really want to talk to them about the breakup anymore. The exercises and activities are also useful for speeding up the recovery process, so don’t hesitate to try these out!
Getting over breakups and getting your ex back: Is this possible?
If you’re familiar with my work and my philosophy, then you know that I am an expert in getting people back together with their exes, so you know exactly what I’m about to say.
YES it’s possible to get your ex back! You just need to be sure that it’s truly what you want and you’re not coming from a place of emotional dependency or fear of being alone. I have very many in-depth articles on the subject, but to give you a brief summary, I wanted to dedicate a small section of this article to how to get your ex back after a breakup.
It will involve certain steps and rules, and as each relationship is entirely unique, I highly recommend getting in touch with me if you want to start to design a truly effective action place for getting back together.
Here are the main steps that the process will involve:
1. Analyzing the causes of the breakup and finding conclusions
2. Accepting the breakup so that you can bounce back more easily
3. Using techniques that are appropriate for your situation
4. Re-seducing your ex so that you can rekindle the flame
5. Starting an entirely new relationship together
Yes, getting an ex back will include an aspect of personal development because if you want to get back together with a person that decided to leave, you’re going to have to make some changes (which are sometimes quite simple) and you’re going to have to become a better version of yourself. I’m not saying that you must throw everything away today, but you can do better and you can do more. This is the bare minimum when you want to get your ex back!
When I look at sites that propose “advice” on how to win an ex back, I always think that you’ve got to be very careful and not dive into an action plan proposed by people that don’t know anything about human relationships or techniques for getting an ex back. Yes, I can confirm that it is possible to get an ex back quickly, but if you’re hoping to get back together within the span of just a few days… Well, make sure you’ve got a box of tissues on hand because you might be sorely disappointed yet again! If you think your ex is going to come back because you’re giving them expensive gifts, you’re also going to be disappointed! If you’re thinking about following the marvelous advice of “talking about it with your friends,” I encourage you to change your strategy right away. On top of losing your partner, you’ll risk losing your friends as well because they’ll get tired of hearing the same thing over and over again.
In order to get your ex back and begin a more stable, serene, and serious relationship, you’re going to have to set tangible actions into motion. It goes without saying, and I feel that this is a fundamental element both in this situation and in any questions related to human relationships, that you’ve got to differentiate between actions that will help you to move towards your goal and those that will do the exact opposite. It is therefore crucial that you fully understand what your ex is feeling, and in turn, be able to adapt each technique.
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I am wishing you all the best in life and love,
Your coach for knowing how to get over a breakup