Are you lying to yourself about this relationship?

Why is it that so many people lie to themselves about being happy in a relationship when deep down they really aren’t satisfied? Why is this a recurring pattern in some people? How can you tell if you’re lying to yourself about the relationship and is there anything you can actually do about it? Today I am going to discuss where this pattern stems from so that you will be fully equipped to overcome it. I am also going to give you some of the biggest signs that you might be lying to yourself about the relationship. 

It’s perfectly natural to crave being in a relationship with someone that makes you happy, someone with whom you can cuddle every night, someone with whom you can share everything from your deepest secrets to your favorite hobbies… but what happens when you’re more in love with the idea of being in a relationship than the actual person? Is there a way to find out for sure?

Why do people lie to themselves about relationships?

To someone who has never experienced this type of feeling, it could be hard to understand. They might think, “How could someone successfully convince themselves to stay in a relationship that wasn’t actually making them happy…?” The fact of the matter is that some people don’t realize that they are actually completely addicted to being in relationships. It’s more important for them to have a partner than to actually be truly happy. It all stems from emotional dependency, and each person will have their own reasons for developing this type of behavior. It usually stems from an insecurity. It sometimes comes from a person’s childhood, and sometimes comes from a person’s recent romantic past. For example, if you find that you didn’t receive enough love, support or validation from someone you loved or looked up to while growing up (parents, a teacher, classmates, or friends), you can find that you need to make sure that you feel like someone cares about you.

Similarly, if someone you loved broke your heart in the past, it could have been a huge blow to the ego. Now you’re struggling with insecurity and look to other romantic partners to fill the void. The problem is that a current relationship can begin to play a role in your life that is not ideal. You may find you’re depending on it to make you happy instead of allowing it to be a beautiful addition to an already happy life. If you feel like deep down you know this relationship isn’t really making you happy, but you were lying to yourself about it, it might be because you were brought up thinking that your self worth was based on your ability to make someone want to stay with you, or because you’re afraid you’ll feel like a failure if you end up single again. We often forget that terminating a relationship that isn’t good for you can actually be the key to granting yourself access to something incredible.

Signs you’re lying to yourself about this relationship…

I want you to honestly answer the questions you’re about to read. I know that this is daunting, and I understand that it can be scary to have to critically analyze something that is important to you, but this is your own well-being that we’re talking about. We want to make sure you are living the best life that you can be living, and I want you to remember you are in control. A toxic relationship can undermine you. So let’s take a look at the signs that you’re lying to yourself about the potential of this relationship. If you recognize more than two of the signs I’m about to list, it might mean that it’s time to find yourself a better match. If at the end of this list you are still unsure about the situation, you can always reach out to me directly and I would be more than happy to help guide you. I know that every situation is unique, so it’s always very helpful to have an objective point of view.

1. Your best friends have told you more than once that they don’t think that this person is right for you. These people are usually the ones in a person’s life who know them the best, and who want the best. Sure, they can be overprotective from time to time, but when they tell you over and over that they don’t feel good about the relationship you have with this person, it would be a good idea to honestly think about what they’re saying. If they can tell you specific things about him or her that make them feel uneasy, be open to hearing them out and being honest with yourself.

2. You often realize that you are convincing yourself that everything is fine. “He has an attitude problem but no one is perfect, right?” “She’s very selfish and I often feel like Im not important at all, but… I have flaws too!” Do you spend a lot of time fixating on this person’s negative characteristics only to convince yourself that they’re not a big deal? Perhaps you have even thought, “That really bothers me, but at least I have a partner.” If you can’t stop thinking about something it means that it’s very important to you, so I want you to think about what elements of the relationship take up a lot of space in your mind. If there are clearly problems related to his or her behavior or compatibility with you, you might be trying to convince yourself that the relationship has staying power when you know it doesn’t.

3. You experience a lot of anxiety think about your future with this person. Instinct is a very powerful tool, and when you feel panicked when thoughts about the future arise, it’s time to pay attention. Your intuition might be telling you something. If you notice that you’re constantly trying to distract yourself from these types of thoughts it means that they make you very uneasy.

4. There is tension almost every time you spend time together. It seems like you can’t spend a day together without one of you getting upset about something. You might even feel nervous when you know that you will be spending more than just a few hours together! Yes, every relationship will have its ups and downs and every relationship has challenging periods, but if you feel that it’s been like this for a very long time and you see no chance of the changing, it might be time to evaluate the relationship.

5. You are constantly justifying inappropriate behavior Do you notice that you seem to be making excuses for your partner’s behavior to yourself and to those around you on a regular basis? For example, “Why does it take her two days to call you back?” Your response: “Oh no, it’s fine. We don’t need to talk to each other day – we are super independent like that. I never call her back right away either!” (Except you totally do.) We justify because it makes us feel better about how much we’ve already invested in the relationship, and while this is normal, I want you to honestly ask yourself if this person is treating you the way you want to be treated.

6. You feel like you have to pretend to be someone else A Healthy relationship consists of two people inspiring one another to be the best versions of themselves. Keyword: themselves. If your partner makes you feel like you need to act like someone else in order to make them happy, this relationship might not be the one for you. Inauthentic behavior always comes to light at one point or another, and it’s hard to maintain a relationship when someone realizes that they don’t actually know who you are.

7. You often feel anxious Do you feel like you’re always on edge when you’re thinking about the relationship? Feeling a steady stream of anxiety and panic could mean that you know deep down that something is off but you don’t want to face it. Are you always second-guessing what your partner is feeling, what you should say, what do you should not say, etc? If your relationship is a source of stress instead of a source of joy, ask yourself if it is right for you.

How to stop lying to yourself about the relationship and what you should do next

After having honestly answered all the questions above, I want you to take some time to reflect. While you do so, the most important thing to do is going to work dealing with issues related to emotional dependency. As each relationship, like every human being, is entirely unique, I cannot give you a one size fits all answer. I can’t tell you that yes, you should leave your partner, or no, you should work to make things better! That is entirely up to you, and like I said, if you need help in figuring out which option is best for you, don’t hesitate to get in touch with me. Now, what I can offer you is this: Tools for combatting emotional dependency when you see that it’s hindering your ability to make positive changes in your romantic life.

First off, let’s pinpoint where it might be coming from. After having worked with so many clients over the last ten years in finding happiness in love and life, I’ve noted that there are various recurring issues:

1. A lack of self confidence: Low self esteem or lack of self confidence are some of the main reasons behind issues related to being emotionally strong. This can stem from multiple factors like physical complexes, not feeling like you’re good enough, or a loss of confidence in general.

2. The past: Everything that has happened in your past can have a direct effect on your present, and therefore conjure up a need for emotional reassurance and emotional support. A difficult childhood during which a person did not receive enough love, a painful relationship that ended badly, or being with someone who didn’t want to commit can all leave marks.

3. After infidelity: A person who has undergone emotional trauma can experience a severe decrease in emotional independence simply because they’re afraid of getting hurt again.

I’ve had some coachees that remained in unhappy relationships simply because they knew their current partner would not cheat. If you’d like to know more about bouncing back after cheating has occurred in the relationship, I invite you to read this right away. I’d like to specify here that this isn’t only about love and relationships…

Becoming emotionally self reliant and happy goes far beyond that and depends on your attitude. Only you and your ability to bounce back will be able to make a difference. No one else can do the work for you, and this is why it’s so important that you do not lie to yourself. The people that have the courage to take action will overcome these obstacles and succeed in becoming emotionally independent, and therefore ensure that they engage in healthy, satisfying relationships. Don’t underestimate the psychological aspect… If you want to move forward, you have to be ready to hear things that you might not want to hear. You’ll need to be motivated and focused, and you have to understand that this is not going to be fixed overnight.

You are going to attain true peace and joy if you define a complete action plan that will make it easy for you to find and share happiness! The absolute best remedy for this is making an effort to make your life be better than ever. I’m talking about getting back into your favorite hobbies and passions, getting ahead at work, hitting the gym and feeling great about your body, spending time with friends and family that make you happy, trying out new activities, going on trips, updating your look if you want to, getting some great new clothes, and just enjoying life!

To summarize, you have to first set out to work on your emotions (in relation to yourself) before you focus on your behavior the relationship. Only then can you start thinking about your partner helping you to reinforce your relationship. If you choose to save your relationship, just click the link and discover all the articles dedicated to doing so on this site! Emotional dependency is an extremely common phenomenon. You’re not the only person who suffers from it, and anyone can overcome it. If you wish to take matters into your own hands and apply all the right actions, now is the time to do it!

I am wishing you all the best in your love lives!

Sincerely, Your coach for knowing if you’re lying to yourself and finding out what you can do about it,

Alex Cormont